Two is an understatement. Still got the suicidal thoughts but another strain which wants to fight. Fight the circumstances to make my life better, fight the bad thoughts so that I could even feel happy when in fact my life is okay. It's kind of like that native American proverb about the two wolves in the heart, I guess. Except my wolves speak English, there are more than two of them, and at least one is a puppy. On espresso.

The depressed side seems to be controlling my actions right now as I am not doing a great job of preparing for my next interview or even keeping my house in order. If it were up to me I'd have been dead a long time ago, but it's not up to me because lives are interdependent so I don't know why I keep thinking about it. Problem is that I was planning to be dead by now so I never thought about career as being too important when I should have been planning that. Oops.

Now I might be locked in to that decision just when I start thinking otherwise. So I guess it's not suicide I'm after but to be dead without having the added sting on my loved ones of having done it myself. There were a couple times where I thought about jumping off cliffs where it could look like an accident hiking but something about hiking makes me not as interested in suicide after all. Then that vacillation induces further ambivalence.

I'm trying to give more attention and momentum to the positive thoughts but I feel so fake when I try to deliberately think positive, like the old SNL bits with that "gosh darnit, people like me!" shtick. I think I will try getting healthy first by drinking less, exercise more, hopefully lose some weight along the way. Of course, I could easily just change my mind by tomorrow. Who knows.