Today spent a good deal of time thinking about suicide, then trying to talk myself out of it. I don't plan to go through with it but when I get too off I start thinking about methods more. Then I feel even worse because I can't even make a decision about a suicide method.

Right now it seems like everything is bad, even though that is not really the case. I can reframe things that I need to try several interviews to find the right match or have faith that there is a reason why no job interviews seem to be working out for me, but its easier to just assume that it's completely my fault and I'll never have a decent job.

No job means no money means no groceries, so it gets into catastrophization pretty quickly. Problem is I don't have much of an answer for that scenario, as I really have no idea how I'm paying rent in a few months.

So it comes down to career, which on the one hand is just how am I going to survive, but also without a career I have doubts about whether I have a place in the world. If society doesn't need me, why can't I just go away? Why does there have to be such a stigma on suicide - we have millions of people without jobs! There should be frigging clinics where you can get euthanized in a humane, reliable way by a doctor and then they could harvest your organs for transplants. Whole new industry, plus fewer people to find jobs for.