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Ralph

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Today spent a good deal of time thinking about suicide, then trying to talk myself out of it. I don't plan to go through with it but when I get too off I start thinking about methods more. Then I feel even worse because I can't even make a decision about a suicide method.

Right now it seems like everything is bad, even though that is not really the case. I can reframe things that I need to try several interviews to find the right match or have faith that there is a reason why no job interviews seem to be working out for me, but its easier to just assume that it's completely my fault and I'll never have a decent job.

No job means no money means no groceries, so it gets into catastrophization pretty quickly. Problem is I don't have much of an answer for that scenario, as I really have no idea how I'm paying rent in a few months.

So it comes down to career, which on the one hand is just how am I going to survive, but also without a career I have doubts about whether I have a place in the world. If society doesn't need me, why can't I just go away? Why does there have to be such a stigma on suicide - we have millions of people without jobs! There should be frigging clinics where you can get euthanized in a humane, reliable way by a doctor and then they could harvest your organs for transplants. Whole new industry, plus fewer people to find jobs for.

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A lot of what you write really resonates with me, Ralph. I wish I had answers for you (and if I did, I'd have some answers for myself too). I'm so sorry you feel so hopeless, and I do hope things get better.

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sed I actually have that option as my bf (I'm gay btw) said I could come stay with him if my depression is that bad. It makes little sense for my career though so I'm going to keep trying even though right now I'd rather not.

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