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So far today had some success getting things done. Just basic household chores but that's more than I got done yesterday. Starting to feel better for a few seconds at a time, but then I fall back into depression. It's like swimming underwater and poking my head above the surface every so often to take a breath. One thing about this experience is to highlight how effed up my thinking has been lately. Hopefully I can keep moving toward the surface.

update - started to get panicked, heart rate more or less normal but can feel heart pounding in chest. Hadn't been thinking worrying thoughts. Meditation helped, going to keep trying to breathe deeply when I catch myself breathing shallow or not at all.

Maybe I made a mistake in talking about the bad people. To bring out might make it more real. I know it's a fiction, but if I am not careful I may lose track of that thread.

More intrusive thoughts about suicide, sometimes they race so fast I completely tense up like I'm about to be hit. Most likely to happen in a grocery store. Too much stimulation with packages, noise, smells... I try to track all of it but I can't so I get overwhelmed. I've gotten stuck grocery shopping before because I'll forget I'm trying to choose whatever product on my list and simply read the packages because they are colorful. Yeah. That probably doesn't make me look too good. I'm not doing so well though so the truth hurts.

I'm so scared. I thought I had a career but a degree means jack when you don't have something pretty interesting on resume. At least in this economy. Fuck I was raised with this belief that you go to school, get a degree, then get a job. Then I find myself mid thirties with a masters degree and I'm a joke to HR reps cause I majored in Philosophy undergrad. Lately I've been thinking maybe this is god's way of telling me to stay away from the grind of the corporate world. God, however, has been less forthcoming with a suggestion as to how the hell I'm going to pay off my loans and buy groceries.

On the good side, I've been feeling more initiative. The part of me that wants to be sober is getting stronger. This feels really good, in a genuine way.


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