I'm on day 4 of another attempt to stop drinking. Aiming for at least 7 days this time around since past record of alcohol free since starting seroquel is 6 days. Already my motivation is flagging. I feel like the alcohol is fully out of my system but I am still all doped up from the prescribed meds.

Why do the ones that I'm supposed to take make me feel bad while the ones I'm not supposed to take make me feel good? Granted the long term effects of alcohol and drugs is bad but at least I got some enjoyment in the short term. Seroquel merely staves off rebound insomnia while still causing a hangover in the morning and at least makes me feel like my depression is worse than it was.

My personality seems to be cycling all over the place too. One moment I'm scanning CL for immediate hook ups, and the next I'm horrified I would even think of such a thing. A certain purchase looks like the answer to all life's problems at night and looks like worthless crap from China in the morning.

My will to live has gone up since working with the priest a little bit, but then my suicidal impulse comes on stronger too. I thought we develop what we focus on, but it seems that I am really just strengthening my mind, and when depression has the wheel then that side is more powerful while when I am relaxed positive thoughts are more powerful.