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Working hard on sobriety, but hating it. Did the Cost/Benefit analysis exercise with SMART recovery, where you list out the advantages and drawbacks both of drinking and not drinking. Surprised at how dumb drinking seems to be. Most benefits are short term and most drawbacks are long term and make the benefits not worth it. So why do I want vodka more than air right now?

Went to AA meeting again just to be in a sober environment where I am not alone. Came back more triggered than when I left. Not their fault though. It was a meeting with no drama, a rare occurrence in my experience with AA and NA. I was spending all my time trying not to visibly shake in the meeting, but I had cover since I was right in front of the air conditioning vent I could just say I'm cold.

Now I'm back and feel irritable as heck. Lucky I live alone cause I would probably be tough to get along with in this state. Damn I miss my boyfriend. Ironically I miss him so much I'm tempted to act out sexually. I know that doesn't make any sense but currently my reasoning process is twisted in upon itself that things like this come out of it. I know it's BS because I am triggered and just looking for an immediate emotional outlet, but I don't know what to replace it with that would make sense to me in this state.


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"So why do I want vodka more than air right now?"

So Ralph, right this minute: are you breathing or drowning in vodka?

Maybe that's the difference: one is a need and one is a want. Sometimes wants can feel stronger than needs, but they never are. We don't decide on our feelings by a cost/benefit analysis; that's why we need our thinking to overrule feelings, sometimes, when it comes to actions.

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Since you brought up AA, I will let you in a little secret of mine.......

When I was in high school, I was such a loser that I had no friends at school, went through one of those " I'm a bad ass" phases, ended up needing to do community service for one thing or another. I was allowed to do it at one of those social halls which hold meetings almost all day long.

Anyways, my secret is that since I had no friends at school, I started going to those meetings, looking back.... I think that I went for a social life.

There were people there that I felt were not being judgemental, at least not near as much as the kids at school!!

I know Bill W. However, I no longer go to any meetings or do I "work a program". I still learned alot though. I don't drink or anything by the way. I do not remember which step it is.... I find myself practicing the one where you need to make ammends way too often.

And just in case you didn't already know......The Serenity Prayer can be a very powerful tool just in everday life!!

Alcoholic/addict or not!!!! I can not tell you how many times that saying that prayer with every ounce of my being has literally...............SAVED MY A**!!!

Sorry if I rambled and you get nothing out of it. Things like AA/NA/CA just tend to stick with you. If you do not have a sponsor, I strongly suggest that you get one. If you are hederosexual, one of the same gender. If you are "family" one of the opposite gender.

Your sponsor will be the one you can call any time day or night that will be there to listen to whatever you are going through and help keep you away from that drink.

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VA, I didn't know about the gender of sponsor being important. I can understand since it would be way too easy for someone with less than honorable intentions to take advantage of such a relationship although I am too naive to think about that type of thing on my own.

I do happen to be family :o, so I've got a question about that. I was thinking of getting a sponsor however there tend to be many more men than women at the meetings I've attended. What about if my sponsor turned out to be a straight male; would there be a problem with that?

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