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Working hard on sobriety, but hating it. Did the Cost/Benefit analysis exercise with SMART recovery, where you list out the advantages and drawbacks both of drinking and not drinking. Surprised at how dumb drinking seems to be. Most benefits are short term and most drawbacks are long term and make the benefits not worth it. So why do I want vodka more than air right now?
Went to AA meeting again just to be in a sober environment where I am not alone. Came back more triggered than when I left. Not their fault though. It was a meeting with no drama, a rare occurrence in my experience with AA and NA. I was spending all my time trying not to visibly shake in the meeting, but I had cover since I was right in front of the air conditioning vent I could just say I'm cold.
Now I'm back and feel irritable as heck. Lucky I live alone cause I would probably be tough to get along with in this state. Damn I miss my boyfriend. Ironically I miss him so much I'm tempted to act out sexually. I know that doesn't make any sense but currently my reasoning process is twisted in upon itself that things like this come out of it. I know it's BS because I am triggered and just looking for an immediate emotional outlet, but I don't know what to replace it with that would make sense to me in this state.
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