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day 6 again


Ralph

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Up to my past record. Tomorrow is new territory. I also see pdoc tomorrow and I think I'm going to come clean about feeling suicidal. God this makes no sense how can I feel suicidal if I am not going out and committing suicide? I've got this stupid moral qualm holding me back even when I feel like I've built up enough will to do it. The morality worry is what keeps me from buying a shotgun in my clearer states so that it will be available when I'm more emotional.

Yet I can't just stop thinking about it. It's always back there and the harder I try to ignore it the more vivid the fantasies become. The fact is I don't really want to commit suicide as I'm not a violent person and killing someone even myself would be violence. I just want to be dead, but that would be unfair to family and significant other.

What I really want is some defined duty that I can discharge and head off into oblivion without being a selfish bastard. Just what the heck am I supposed to do on this rock so I can get it over with. Humanitarian work would seem appropriate but I've tried that and I feel like a creep for using someone as a catalyst to relieve my own guilt, even if I am helping them.

I think I can make myself ambivalent about anything. Give me a decision, I'll paralyze myself with perfectly balanced pros and cons. I guess in this case that's kept me alive. :oToo bad you can't go pro in that; I'd be rich.

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Hi, Ralph,

You don't know me so far, I suppose; I didn't post on your blog yet, but I "know" you a bit - I read your blog sometimes.

Well, I just... want you to say I care and... I'm very glad to hear you were able to keep it till the day 6 (and also 7, I suppose! :)). I hope your visit of the pdoc was helpful to you and you were able to tell him about your suicidality...

God this makes no sense how can I feel suicidal if I am not going out and committing suicide?

It does make sense :(, it's very common... Many of us have been there... (For instance, I was suicidal for 13 years, with some "breaks", without making any attempt... Then I started therapy and... get rid of the wish to die!) It's very important that you have your family and significant others who prevent you (morally) from doing it - it's essential before you'll get your own, personal reasons for the wish to live (/for the certitude that you don't want to be death).

Humanitarian work would seem appropriate but I've tried that and I feel like a creep for using someone as a catalyst to relieve my own guilt, even if I am helping them.

Wow! I admire you that you were able to do humanitarian work!! It's not easy, I mean mainly psychically... And I see that you had a problem that forced you to stop it; the problem was your attitude toward yourself. Believe me: The way of thinking that is present in this quote could be applied for every possible cases and every single human activity could be distorted this way and "profaned" as being purely selfish. As we all are naturally selfish as all animals - you can find at least one "trace" of "egoism" in everything we do (for instance; I'm writing to you as I hope it could help you and if I helped you, I would feel good - so I'm a creep and bastard because I'm writing to you???) - but it doesn't mean that everything we do is (morally) equivalent, of course. You've done a very good job by helping others and feeling bad about it is... sorry to say it, but... absurd. I know the same way of thinking from my teenage, so... I understand you; don't feel somehow "rejected" when I call your ideas "absurd", please... I just want you to know how I see the whole thing now...

Give me a decision, I'll paralyze myself with perfectly balanced pros and cons.

I know this, too... Decision-making is often very painful... :( But at least I can say I'm happy you decided to stay alive :o

Take care!

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"Just what the heck am I supposed to do on this rock ..."

Well, isn't that the key question, after all?

If you found out what it was, maybe you would even stop trying to hurry off this rock ...

We all die. We can make it sooner, or we can leave it until it comes to us, but it's going to happen. And then (in my opinion), nothing.

So, the question throughout is, what do we do 'til then?

Oh, and I looked down off a few parking garages in my time (not much into firearms.) So yeah, I understand being suicidal without really wanting to do it. In my case (which is probably different from yours), it was my way of telling myself to change something. No matter how hard it seems to change, I was telling myself, it beats dying over it. So, honestly, in the long run I'm pleased that I was smart enough not to do it.

"Only not trying would be harder."

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I take no offense to being called out on absurdity. If my thoughts made any sense to me I probably wouldn't be writing them out on a site called "mentalhelp" ya know?

The difference between helping someone, which is commendable, and using someone to assuage my own guilt, is in the motivation. If I volunteer, say at a food bank because I grew up poor and want to help others as I had been helped, then that makes me feel pretty good. However if I volunteer just because I feel like crap and I want to prove I'm not the bad person that I think I am, then I feel even more guilty. The bigger absurdity is that the guilt I feel is because I think I'm too self centered.

I don't really understand why I'm in a hurry to die. I only know it's how I feel. I've really got little to complain about in my life vs what I have to be thankful for. It's a symptom of being depressed and the one that persists for me even when no other symptoms are present.

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Yah, that symptom persisted for me when I didn't feel depressed otherwise, too. In my case, because the underlying problem that I was refusing to recognize (I wanted out of my marriage) was ongoing, whether I was currently depressed about it or not.

I hope you find a way to enjoy, that's all.

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Yeah, I see; motivation. But your motivation was good, I think: It's important to find a way to 'overcome' the feeling of guilt and to build a positive relationship to oneself. So I think the problem here was that your intention didn't match enough to/with your actions - as... your actions were good, the intention too, but... you needed more to reach your aim...

Sorry, I just 'fantasize', but... could it be that the feeling of guilt is still in you and that it could be behind the suicidal thoughts even when you don't feel depressed? (It was, in part / partially, also my case, so... that's why I think this way here... :()

I don't really understand why I'm in a hurry to die.

I see this as a crucial question. I don't want to push you into thinking about it too much, as it could increase the suicidal feelings :o, but... as Mark said, there is likely "an underlying problem that you are refusing to recognize". ...

Take care...

P.S.: How was your "day 7", BTW? :)

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day 7 was good. I'm still in physical withdrawals and dissociating, but at least made it into the gym and did some shopping to keep myself occupied. Still sober, for one more day.

Funked if I know what the underlying problem might be. I'll explore that in a future blog I think.

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