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Ralph

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Been working more to finish up my stuff before it's time to go. Yesterday I zoned out again for a good two hours at work where I just did about nothing and then got back to work. I hope my new job will be easier to stay on track. It's better if I have defined goals so that I can tell if I am being productive or not.

Still staying sober, but feel like very little else has changed. I might not be drinking for the time yet I'm dissociating instead. Concerned this is what they mean by "dry drunk" - still going through the same thought patterns that lead to drinking with only pure willpower keeping one back. My emotions seem to have flatlined; have felt pretty numb for past few days except after workout when I get short term endorphins.

However have some tools in SMART recovery if I get around to reading them. Using both types of meetings for motivation. AA meetings are more often but they pretty much just talk about their past drinking days, which makes my cravings worse just after the meeting. Might use one of those phone numbers I got from guys there to find out what the deal is with that.

SMART meetings are more rational. We talk about how our week went and then talk about some of the tools to use against cravings. It's a new skill to learn, and learning new things is probably the one thing I love more than drinking. In a way it's also why I like being around kids in that in a similar sense I always learn something new interacting with them. Adults tend to have ritualized ways of interacting that repeat with less variation, so it's less interesting.

Yet people are people. It's not anything that we lose as we grow up; we only learn to hide it behind the shell of socially approved behavior.

In that sense I think everyone is young at heart, or rather the term young at heart is a misnomer. Perhaps the term is more realistically understood as we are all of the same nature at heart, but the young, and the very old, are less prone to dissimulate. Not being a parent though I am not qualified to speculate on that point, but I can conclude that interactions with adults and with children both tap the same skill set except with an additional layer of negotiating relative social status in the case of adults. People are weird. No wonder they have driven me nuts.

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Yes, people are weird. Why though have you allowed them(us) to drive you nuts? There has got to be a bit more to it than you have posted above. IF it is soccially approved behavior to play catch with your children or play a dancing video game because the experts term it as quality time? Then what are you talking about?

Sorry if I have confused you, I think I am confused about your post maybe you could offer some clarity?

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Sorry my writing style is confusing. I transitioned from venting about work and the difficulty staying sober to mulling over human nature. It's not an essay. It's stream of consciousness to get thoughts out of my head.

My point in the last paragraph was that basically what we call "adults" are people who have learned to play a role. Often this role is attached to a status within a hierarchy, then we envy our childhood selves when we were not as concerned with status and were instead open to self and others. That's weird because it seems like western culture has gotten into a gigantic game of "king of the mountain" which only serves to increase suffering.

You are right that it is more correct I have allowed others to drive me nuts. I never realized I had any other option. Somehow I grew up with no concept of boundaries which I am only now starting to figure out. I'm also feeling out of sorts today and I may be projecting without realizing it. Hope that is more clear.

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"dry drunk" -- Maybe, but at least you're dry, so you can make this observation. You're disassembling a coping mechanism, in order to build a better one. It's going to take some time ...

I'm fond of a quote from an anonymous Catholic priest who'd been taking confessions for fifty years. He summed up what he learned: "There's a lot more sadness in the world than anyone's aware of, and there's no such thing as a grown-up human." I figure, in that case, we might as well make the most of our playtime.

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