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Too serious



Feeling good about making it 10 days so far without drinking. I feel more clear headed when I wake up and I can work out in the gym for a longer period of time. That's the good news.

The challenge I have now is that anxiety is showing me why I was drinking in the first place. I'm disassociating for hours at a time, which really sucks when it happens at work because I have to explain that I can't deliver what I promised for the day. I also had a flashback so it looks like PTSD is back. I need to remember how I did containment before. I'm in enough pain to commit suicide but I don't trust these thoughts. I'm still waiting for an improvement in depressive symptoms after quitting drinking. So far they are worse.

As far as I can tell, the main problem is that I have no sense of purpose. I'm not really good at anything, I have no healthy family connections unless the few aunts & uncles I see on Christmas count, and my career has been mediocre. I'm also inconsistent in my values, so attempts to connect to something larger than myself have yet to succeed.

Yet I can't seem to get any psychologist or psychiatrist (that I could afford) to take me seriously. Probably because I've been on this merry go round so many times I know the lingo well enough that they think I am trying to fake it or something. I guess I have to quit eating and lose 15% of my bodyweight before my suffering is clinically significant. In the meantime concentration is down and my intellect is the main advantage I have in the marketplace so although my career is okay I am well below the median for my graduating class. In other words by the time my symptoms are obvious enough for even a doctor to spot, I will no longer have insurance to even afford an HMO doctor. At that point I wonder why I am even bothering. My life is really pretty nice from external perspective but I can't enjoy it because I'm too bitter about the past and paranoid that things will go bad again. It's only faith that keeps me going right now.


Recommended Comments

Ralph, I'm sorry you see your life this way... But I believe, too, it is possible to get better.

Unfortunately, I'm here (on-line) only for a while now, so I can't reply as I'd like to.

I'm glad seddy said it so nicely and wisely :o...

I just add; hugs and take care! :)

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