I'm having problems with rage lately. I hurt myself because I was so out of control that I couldn't feel pain. All I felt was the endorphins at first, which felt good, so I hurt myself worse instead of noticing that blood is generally not a good sign. I now have a new appreciation for lidocaine following my nervous system's return to homeostasis.

My addiction is telling me I'll never truly enjoy anything while sober. I think I've done better as a person since laying off the sauce. I'm more driven at work, and I practice bass more often. I started singing too, as in practicing scales and intervals to get the pitch right. However, I cannot say I've had much fun. So that seems to be the trade off.

My addiction is also telling me that I'm under judgment from my pdoc for drinking, that she is deliberately controlling my medication to construct a punishment for what she sees as immoral behavior. I can quickly see that as blatant projection, but it wouldn't hurt to hear some sort of reassurance from my doctor that the fact I've self medicated in the past doesn't preclude the chance that I self medicated because I needed to do something in order to stave off suicide. Or to frame it another way, I would like to ask my pdoc to explain what consequences her concerns about my alcoholism have for her handling of my depressive symptoms. It sure seems to me that the two are different heads of the same hydra, not that one is causing the other. If I am mistaken, which I fully concede is likely, I would like an explanation of what is correct so that I'm not in the dark about what the hell my treatment plan is, if indeed there is any plan at all.

Which brings up the third thing my addiction is telling me, which is that the short term relief from self medicating is the only thing holding me back from suicide. TBH I've thought about suicide much more often lately. Not even so much as a wish to die as a way to express anger if that makes any sense. You can't fire me I quit, to paraphrase Bill Maher.

My counter to that is the real reason I don't commit suicide is because of the decision I made before (long story), as well as what I've learned since then. Suffering is the result of craving and giving into cravings makes them stronger. So currently I am facing the consequences of my past decisions but the different decisions I am making now will have different consequences in the future.

I feel like I'm dealing with a spoiled three year old who is suddenly experiencing discipline and thinks that if he just screams loud enough, he'll get what he wants. The problem is both the three year old and the adult have the same cognitive faculties at their disposal. I am so tired of fighting. I have gotten nothing but support when I have reached out for it, and still I judge myself as unworthy of any kindness, so in my emotional world it's like I've got blinders on. Anything that doesn't fit my bleak view gets discounted, and then I complain that it's all hopeless. Too bad there is no drug to fix that.