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Ralph

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Past few days have been hard for depression. Had a less than satisfying visit with pdoc today. I don't know if she was trying to help me or not but she's transferring me to another pdoc who specializes in addiction. Yeah, because there couldn't possibly be anything else wrong. I wasn't even that bad as an alcoholic. I just drank too much. At AA I've met people who did far more than me. Anybody care why I was drinking in the first place? No. Slap a label on me and walk away.

Maybe the new guy could help me. Probably won't find out because my last job ended today which means so did insurance, and new job benefits don't take effect until you've been there for two months. So I've got until October to self pay or see how well I do on my own. She didn't even give me enough refills on my current meds to make it that long, even though I had told her that last time and that is why she scheduled me two weeks out instead of a month. If I need to I could just call for a refill, but that's not the problem.

The problem is doctors don't f*cking listen. They just don't. I've seen several and only had one, who was a primary care MD, that actually showed any interest in how I was doing or whether I got better. So good docs exist but they're few and far between. I wonder if that's just their way of telling me to sod off and I'm not getting the signal. Well, I'm starting to get it. Regardless of their intentions every meeting with a pdoc leaves me less confident that I should have anything to do with psychiatry.

I'm really not sure if I will continue trying to get help for this. There is still the priest. I see him again for spiritual direction on Tuesday. He makes a lot of sense. Not like the hard black and white religion I grew up in. He seems to be more into God being understanding and compassionate than the "sinners in the hands of angry god" crap coming out of the Jerry Falwell churches. Still it's not whether it's warm and fuzzy that matters. It matters that it works, and the priest has more interest in this than any of the overpaid pill-dispensers with whom I've trusted my darkest secrets. I really hope he can help, because the doctors and the silly AA slogans just ain't cutting it.

Feel like I've gotten sober just to experience my depression more clearly. What difference does it make if I do it with a shotgun or a shot glass? Result is the same - solve the problem the doctors can't or won't. Grass is always greener, though. Going to stay sober for tonight, reevaluate after gym tomorrow.

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Escape, mostly. It stops the clutter interrupting my thought process and gives me a break from the experience of derealization and depersonalization that comes with anxiety.

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Do you go to psychiatrists for meds AND therapy, or just meds? I'm not totally sure, but my mother told me that most psychiatrists don't do therapy. I know that I see both a psychologist and a psychologist for two entirely different purposes. Maybe it would be good for you to see a clinical psychologist.

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Just medication. I was initially seeing a psychologist with the hope that I wouldn't need meds, but I was referred to a pdoc from the psychology center. I'm not currently in therapy but going to talk to the priest about whether I should be.

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It's tempting to say "There's your problem," but I know it's not that simple. Still, as I'm sure you already know, meds aren't meant to solve your problems. They're supposed to be taken while going through therapy.

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