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Rock Bottom


Ehren

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The following is an entry from a blog I've been keeping on another site. I'm reposting this and other select entries because I feel like they provide the most insight into who I am and what I'm going through.

Originally posted April 12, 2011

Warning: The following may be triggering

I hit rock bottom on my birthday. It was a few months back and I had to work that day. I was already depressed because it was my birthday and I was feeling rather conflicted about teaching which made it even worse. The girl I had been crushing on at the time, whom we shall call Mary for simplicity's sake, was unbelievably adorable that day, making my feelings for her even more intense. While I was helping another kid clean up some blocks, Mary ran over to me, sat down right in front of me and, practically in tears, started telling me all about some grave injustice she had suffered at the hands of some other kids. Then we went outside and while all the kids were running around screaming I noticed that Mary, who was running around playing like the other kids, had a tear in her eye. When I talked to her about it she said that someone had taken her favorite tricycle and so she was upset. The third thing that happened that day was before snack. The kids were all washing their hands at the sink in the classroom's small bathroom. I poked my head in there to check to make sure that they were actually washing their hands and not just making a mess. I look in just in time to see Mary pull her pants down to go to the bathroom. While I was not aroused, my body still certainly reacted. That was quite disturbing to me. To top it all off, at the end of class as I'm putting things away, Mary walks up to me rather awkwardly and says "Hey...ummm...hold my hand!" When I do, she drags me over to the toy cars, hands me one and then without a word starts to play with hers. That was the last straw, my feelings for her had never been more intense. All I wanted to do was hug her, to be close to her, to someone emotionally. I didn't hug her though because I knew that might be kinda weird, but for the next week or so I just couldn't stop thinking about her, about how great it would be to hold her and be close to her. None of this was sexual, I never wanted to do anything sexual to her, I didn't even think of her that way, it was an emotional intimacy I wanted, not a sexual one.

It was during this week that I realized just how truly fucked up I was. It was also around this time that I started reaching out to some people I knew onlne because I needed to talk to someone about this before I went crazy. Now, while I am not 'cured', I have a much better understanding of this thing and how it effects me. I don't have a crush on Mary anymore. I still care about her, but its a normal affection, not selfish like a crush. I also haven't had a crush on another girl since then. I think the fact that I know how/why they form makes it easier for me to avoid them.

Mary gave me such an amazing birthday present: she took off my rose-colored glasses. Without that and the people who've helped me work through this, I don't think I'd be nearly as stable as I am now.

Note: Over the months that followed, my feelings for Mary fluctuated depending on how depressed I was at the time. I still fantasized about her, although they were not sexual fantasies. They mostly consisted of me taking care of her or being emotionally close to her. The most prominent one involved me sitting in rocking chair reading her a bedtime story as she fell asleep. By June my feelings for her had almost completely subsided but I still had a soft spot for her. I found out that she was moving in July. At first I freaked out because I didn't want to lose her but slowly I came to terms with it and by the time she moved I was at peace with it.

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What a coincidence! My last birthday was the worst day of my life too! I even wrote a blog about it :o

By the way, I can relate to those fantasies you talked about in that last paragraph :)

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Oh cool! We have even more in common then I thought :)

They're such strange fantasies. The kid I think about always changes, lately its been the youth pastor's (who's family I'm pretty close with) 4 year old daughter even though I don't have a crush on her and never really have. I am closest to her then any other girl though so its almost like I just default to her when I have no one else to think about. It seems like its not about the kid but that they represent the companionship that I'm really looking for.

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It seems like its not about the kid but that they represent the companionship that I'm really looking for.

Bingo :)

I don't even know any young children (except my four-year-old cousin who I see a couple times a year.) I fantasize about holding and hugging, but to fictional children :o. Just random images that pop up in my head. I think it goes back to my need to love and be loved.

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Yeah. I've noticed I do it a lot when I'm in class. I always hope that a kid I know (usually the youth pastor's daughter) would run into class or walk by in the hallway for some reason, see me and then run up and give me a huge hug. Then their mom runs in to see where the hell they were, sees me and laughs when I explain it and then leaves with the kid. Afterwords I have to explain to a very confused class that I know that kid and so they just wanted to say hi.

So weird.

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