The following is an entry from a blog I've been keeping on another site. I'm reposting this and other select entries because I feel like they provide the most insight into who I am and what I'm going through.

Originally posted May 12, 2011

Warning: The following may be triggering

I've talked about a lot of things regarding my pedophilia but there is one very significant part that I've never really talked about: my very first "crush" on a child. This is one of the most disturbing and confusing parts of all of this for me so this should be fun.

When I was about 14 working in the 2-3 class a new kid, about 3 who for simplicity's sake I'll call "Emily," started coming to class. She was one of the most "challenging" kids I've ever had. However, she was also the funniest and sharpest kids I've ever had and quickly became one of my favorite kids. Not soon after, her parents asked me to babysit her and her 5 year old brother. Emily and her brother thought I was awesome and soon I was babysitting for them about 2 times a month. As time went on I grew a lot closer to both those kids, but my affection for Emily completely eclipsed that for her brother.

I remember I used to think that perhaps my feelings for Emily were similar to what parents feel towards their kids. Looking back I can see clearly that it was "crush". Its not surprising though because Emily was an awesome kid. She was the epitome of a "free spirit." She was always running around and dancing and singing, usually in one of her many princess dresses. She was always making up her own games and crazy imaginary worlds. She was also completely fearless. I remember she would often fall flat on her face and I would rush over to make sure she was OK only to have her get up and keep running around (which she never stopped doing) like nothing happened. I always had a blast babysitting her and her brother.

I was also very depressed at the time. I was in middle school, which is already hell, and my best friend had moved away the year before leaving me with no friends. As I've said before, the only people who accepted me and got excited to see me were the kids I worked with. Emily and her brother loved more then any other kids. Their parents wouldn't tell them until about an hour before I came over because otherwise they would spend the entire day running around the house with excitement. As it was, I was often greeted by two small squished faces pressed against the window and frantic screaming before I even walked in the door. They were the only people who made me feel like I mattered outside of my family.

The part that disturbs me the most was the underlying sexual attraction. When I first started babysitting her she was still in diapers and I had to change her diaper before putting them to bed. Now as you probably know, I don't find kids her age sexually attractive but at the time, being a 14 year old boy who had never seen a girl besides my sister naked before, I found that arousing. It was rather disturbing to me, but I rationalized it away because I was a horny teenage guy so it wasn't that uncommon and I never did anything to her so it didn't matter. I continued to rationalize away the fact that one of my favorite things about babysitting Emily was changing her diaper. As I said, I never did anything to her, I didn't even look really because I was so disturbed and uncomfortable about it that I always changed her diaper very quickly.

Soon she was potty trained so I didn't have to worry about that anymore but I continued to find her sexually attractive. She was very physical with me, always climbing and jumping on me, trying to wrestle and drag me around the house. When she was 4 she went through a phase where she would take her pants off and run around the house screaming. I always discouraged this but I wonder if she picked up on the fact that I liked it and so she kept doing it.

The moment I realized just how much I cared about her was the day she almost died. Being the crazy child that she was, Emily managed hurt herself quite severely and we were worried that she might have some permanent injuries or brain damage. We found out later that night that she was fine, (her mom exaggerated just a little bit...) but it freaked me out. Now I know that's a perfectly normal reaction, but it was more intense then I feel it should have been. I realized just how important she was to me and I couldn't imagine what I would do without her in my life. I cried myself to sleep that night. Not too long after that my family ended up moving away and I haven't really seen her since.

I'm not really sure how to quantify how I felt/feel about her. I still miss her and sometimes I'll get a little emotional about it. That's never happened with any kid I ever worked with, crush or not. Still, I wouldn't want to see her again. Its been so many years and she's a different person now, the kid I knew is gone. If I could somehow see her 4/5 year old self again though I would jump at the chance to relive that time in my life. This makes me wonder if perhaps, as much as a 14/15 year old could, I loved her. I want to say no because the thought is so disturbing but at the same time I can't be sure. I was always thinking about her, figuring out when I was going to see her again, deliberately going out of my way to see her at church even if I wasn't teaching that day. She was one of the most important people in my life at the time. This went on for almost two years.

One could argue that perhaps I was just unusually close to Emily and it wasn't love, but I'm as close to the youth pastor's kids as I was to them. My feelings for their daughter have never been like this. Both of those kids are like my niece and nephew yet I don't think about either of them all that much like I did with Emily and there's no sexual attraction towards their daughter.

Emily sowed the seeds for my pedophilia. I wonder if perhaps I had never met her and developed both the emotional and sexual attraction towards her if I would have ended up like this. Still, even though she may have been the beginning off all this and as awful as it is for me to accept that I might have loved her, might still love her, I don't regret my "relationship" with her. I'm not really sure what to make of that, but with the exception of letting myself see her naked, I wouldn't have done anything differently.

Its a very strange and conflicting feeling.

Note: While I don't miss her as much as I did when I wrote this, there are still moments where I'd give anything to see her again, even if it was just to hold her one last time.