For the first time used deep breathing technique to manage anxiety in a public situation. Mostly it was the distraction of focusing on my breath but I realized I was worrying about everything all at once and this is why I was getting worked up. I am experimenting with telling myself that I don't have to worry about it now. I'm great at procrastination so I can deal with it later.

This is a big step; I used to avoid going shopping because I knew the multitude of choices to make in a store would overwhelm me. Now I have one experience of managing it without getting overwhelmed. Feels good.

Other part is addiction management, starting to think of it as a process rather than a cold turkey/willpower thing. It seems to be tied up with how I see myself, so I think I need to invent a new identity that corresponds with being sober with the benefits and costs thereof. I'm learning sobriety, not just stopping using. No idea if this will work or not. Still thinking I should make appointment with substance abuse counselor however what's stopping me is I don't know how I will assess whether this person is good to work with or not.

My problem is intertwined with depression so I keep getting pushed back and forth between depression, anxiety, and substance use. All this while in my mind these are all only symptoms of the deeper problem. Guess that could be a signal. If counselor is amenable to either looking at the root issue or at least explaining to me why that is not the right approach if I'm mistaken, then I can work with him. Either that or just give up. It would be easier than suicide and the stigma of drug OD is less than the stigma of deciding to kill yourself. It's less intentional so not as personal. At least in my warped little mind.

I don't even know what "normal" is. Who does?