Jump to content
Mental Support Community

Blog Ralph

  • entries
  • comments
  • views




I didn't get much done today but I have felt a lot better. I think what happened is trying to quit drinking made me more sensitive to anxiety.

Panic attacks are a double edged sword. The upside is you really get to see what is important in life. You know how people have these revelations after a near death experience? Well with a panic attack you really think you're going to die - and I see the stuff that I regret and would like to do better. So it's kind of like getting a NDE over and over and over again.

The downside is thinking you are going to die, over and over and over again. This is very stressful in itself and got me thinking about suicide again. Imagine being on death row and they keep walking you to the electric chair and strapping you in, and as you're bracing for the pain from the current, the guards go - "ha ha just kidding you live for now." That gets old fast. After a few times you wish they would quit yanking your chain and get it over with already.

I sort of just want to get my affairs in order, in other words resolve those regrets, and then if the crap is still there I will end it. However I am hoping that along the way I will move into a more optimistic frame of mind. The obstacle is that I don't think I should die before my mother. I mean she made her mistakes and I don't want to be around her just because of the bad memories, but still I don't think she deserves to attend any of her kids' funeral. That's too harsh.

I know that's really morbid but in a way I feel less depressed to start feeling more comfortable with death. To live is to die. Every moment we live, we are getting older, moving closer to our last breath. Coming to peace with one's own mortality should save a lot of angst in the long run, shouldn't it?


Recommended Comments

Being in the space of impending death is sort of like the main signal I have that this is a panic attack as opposed to just nervousness or regular anxiety. To manage them I first try deep breathing. Once I learned to use abdomen instead of simply breathing from the chest more slowly I was able to relax using this. If it still escalates then I will lay down both because I feel like I'm going to faint anyway and I feel safer horizontal, and hopefully laying down will reduce my pulse rate. If that doesn't work, then I try to distract myself, which incidentally explains why I've been on this site so much lately (:o). By the time I'm about to call 911 I pop a xanax because really that's all they will do for me at the ER anyway and this saves me the cost of an ambulance ride and hospital stay. :cool:

Link to comment

I suppose I don't really have anything useful to say, but...hi.

Panic attacks suck ass. I'm sorry you are having so many. Do you know what seems to be setting them off? Is it being off the alcohol or more than that?

While you may try, I don't know that you will rival the amount of time I seem to spend on this site on a daily basis, so if you are around and just need to talk, feel free to pm me.

Take care.

Link to comment

MM and Z thanks for caring. Just dropping by is useful. It's not like I'm currently capable of taking advice anyway.

I don't know what sets the attacks off, but they are fucking pissed right now. It's not so much being off alcohol as what that represents. My addictions are like oh no what's happening we better fuck his shit up! If I don't drink I start to feel like going back to the illegal shit.

I willingly walked into my addictions as I was suicidal at the time. I couldn't think of any better way to go out than high as fuck. They want to collect now if I'm gonna try and get sober. I was shocked when the calendar hit 2005 and I was still alive. Hence everything since then has been borrowed time.

In contrast the "borrowed time" has been worth it - I've had much more happiness than pain in my adult life. Now if I include my childhood, though, on net I wish I was never born. In this light it seems perfectly rational to bury my past under beer cans. Then the doctors say I'm fucking up and hey they are doctors so better listen right? Ooops. They had no idea what was in that closet.

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...