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Not OK


Solstice

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I'm alternating between freaking out and numbly wishing myself dead. My marriage is at an all-time low. As my husband puts it, we're at war. He wants nothing to do with me, yet we have to coexist. My emotions are out of control -- over the weekend, I resorted back to self-harm, which I haven't done in a long time. Now I feel ashamed and disgusting.

Tonight, I get to have dinner with my parents. I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I spent the past two years in therapy, dredging up the ways in which my mother abused and neglected me. The therapy didn't help me cope with that, or move past it, but just opened up all the old wounds. My father is slowly slipping into dementia and I want to cry every time I see him.

I don't think I have the strength to keep going. I don't know why I would want to. This is my present and my future. It's all there is and all there will be. That's how I made it.

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I'm sorry you're feeling sad, Solstice. :o

Now can only happen in the present. Nothing can change if you are closed off to the possibility. Can you do anything to empower yourself in this? I hope you can leave the door open to hope...if even only a crack for now.

Watching a parent's health decline is always difficult. Do you have any support there? Friends to talk with? I hope the dinner tonight goes okay.

Take care.

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Thanks for the reply...I keep telling myself that there is always hope, that nothing is forever, but I'm just not able to believe that right now. I just don't see how I could improve things. I feel very powerless and very alone.

Unfortunately, I don't have any support on any of these issues, least of all my dad's health problems. My mother is cold and verbally abusive, and I've largely closed her out of my life as a result. My husband -- well, I'm thinking my post above pretty much sums that up. :) And I have to confess that I don't really have any friends. I've become so afraid of being hurt, and so convinced that I'm not worthy of kindness, that I've basically closed myself off from everyone.

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I know you have said that looking to your past was not helpful, but there could be other kinds of therapy that might benefit you more. I know your experiences with therapy have not been positive. Maybe this has something to do with not being matched well with the therapist?

Can you find an activity that gets your endorphins going? Something to nourish yourself with? Try to create some positive energy? Would journaling about your feelings help? I have found recently that blogging about my feelings is quite helpful in processing everything. Is there any chance you can get out and try to connect with others, if even in just their presence? Nature can also be healing.

I'm sorry for your pain, Solstice. :) Take care of you.

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I don't know why therapy has failed so miserably for me. Can't be that the therapist was a bad match -- because I've been to three in the past 3 years. I give all of them time, work with them...but it just doesn't work for me. Maybe I'm the problem.

Exercise helps a little, but I have a history of over-exercising and undereating, so it's a delicate balance. Yoga helps a lot, but I don't have the time or money to do as much as I'd like. Journaling often just makes me feel worse...I've been trying to write out my feelings here, but I just feel like I'm burdening people.

But I'll write it out anyway. Dinner was a disaster, as I expected. My husband not speaking to me. My mother pissed at me because of the boundaries I have to put up between us. My father not speaking at all, confused, looking desperately like he wanted to break out of the shell he's in, but can't. I see him, and I see myself at that age. No one who cares. No one to care. No way out.

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It isn't a burden. I like supporting others. There are people who care.

I'm sorry dinner didn't go well. :) I'm listening and I hear you. Can you think of one thing today that you like about yourself? Are you able to connect with that?

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Thanks for listening...hmmm...one thing I like about myself today. Thought about that for a long time. It seems like there's a counter to everything I think of. I'm smart, but I do a lot of very stupid things and don't think things through. I'm a hard worker, but I've gotten very lazy recently because I just don't care. I can be kind, but I'm generally selfish because I'm wrapped up in my own hurt most of the time. Maybe something will come to me that I don't manage to shoot down immediately, but I'm not sure what it could be. Sorry...:)

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I'm glad you had a moment of peace. Emotional pain can be so difficult. :(

Was there a time when you were closer with your H? Is there any chance to find your way back to that? Sorry if I'm not remembering everything...

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There was a time we were closer. I don't think there's any way back to that now. He hates me, and justifiably so. I ask myself every day what I could do to make it better, but I just make it worse with each thing I do. The worst part is that I've lost my best and only friend by losing him. Or maybe the worst part is that we still have to coexist, so every day is a reminder for both of us of what we don't have.

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Sorry for the slow response...work has been a pain this week. I'm not sure how I'm feeling -- mostly just very alone and scared and not sure how to make good decisions in my life. I just don't trust myself to know what I need to do.

Thanks for thinking of me, though. Hope all is well with you.

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