Oh Solstice, I am so sorry for this pain :(

It does sound like you need to unburden from some things, but please don't toy with your life

You are worth so much more than the things you list.

I am so sorry for how all this is feeling right now : (

What does giving up mean? Sometimes it's freeing to stop caring what other people think.

Do stick around, though... we like you anyway...

I guess what giving up means to me is to: (1) stop trying to be a better/decent/likeable/loveable person; and (2) stop pretending that I'm ever going to have any sort of life that I want. I'm not going to be happy -- I haven't been in many years, if ever. I'm not going to have friends -- I shy away from people, and people correspondingly shy away from me. I'm not going to be anything to my husband other than a paycheck. Those things hurt, but it's the truth and it's time I stopped thinking I could do something to make it not true.

But thanks to both of you for your thoughts and kind words.

I wanted to say that I'm listening and I care.

Thanks, Beth...

It occurs to me, though -- sure, people tell me I'm worth something, that I have value...but those are all people who don't know me. The people who know me best have all told me the opposite. That I am worthless. That I add nothing to the world, and only take away. I've been fighting against believing that, but why? Why would they be wrong? Wouldn't the people who know me best be right about me?

...I find myself desperately not wanting to go home, where I'll be reminded, one way or another, of how worthless and miserable of a person I really am. And, on the other hand, desperately not wanting to stay here, in an office where I pretend I belong, but I really don't. Where do you go when you don't belong and aren't wanted anywhere?

Wow. How fantastically "woe-is-me." Stupid. I need to just grow up, put on my "I don't care" face, and suck it up. There are people far worse off than me. I need to shut up.

Oh solstice, there are millions of people in the world. Sometimes we get stuck in circles of people because of patterns of relating... it matters how you relate to yourself and what your core beliefs are... we here at this site are working on a better footing with ourselves and our relationships. You are welcome to explore things here, you know. It is anonymous. There is much more to you than the things you are saying right now. There is much more to anyone than those things.

Maybe I am more than these things...but really, we're all largely the sum of our actions. My actions are not those of a good person. I may want to be better, I may want to be worthy and good and loveable, but I don't act like it, and I don't change my actions. So what does that make me?

I've tried to change my core beliefs, tried to change how I relate in the world and to others, and failed miserably. Trying any more seems impossible right now.

Well then, take a breather from it all, as you say. Quit all this trying? I enjoy your presence here, Solstice. I'm sorry things are so harsh for you right now

Hey Solstice

Missed ya hun - sorry things are so damn harsh for you right now - hope that they ease off a little real soon

Sending you my love and {{{{BIG HUGS}}}}

take care hun.

Thanks, Sue. The hugs are needed and much appreciated. I do hope all is well with you.