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I Quit


Solstice

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My whole life, I've tried to be something more than what I am. Be a good daughter, so my parents will be happy with me even though they didn't want me. It didn't work. All I ever was was a disappointment to them.

I've tried to be the kind of person people like. Didn't work. I'm too awkward, too shy, too closed-off.

I've tried to be a good wife. I'm not. I'm too self-centered, too emotional, too needy.

I've tried to be a good person, tried to resolve my issues, tried to overcome my demons. I failed.

My only remaining value in the world is financial: the money I bring in to my firm as I grind myself into dust working, and the money I bring home to my husband. When I'm gone, that will be the only loss to anyone.

So I'm going to stop trying. I'm just not right. Just not worth anything. This is the day I give up.

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Oh Solstice, I am so sorry for this pain ;):( :(

It does sound like you need to unburden from some things, but please don't toy with your life :(

You are worth so much more than the things you list.

I am so sorry for how all this is feeling right now : (

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I guess what giving up means to me is to: (1) stop trying to be a better/decent/likeable/loveable person; and (2) stop pretending that I'm ever going to have any sort of life that I want. I'm not going to be happy -- I haven't been in many years, if ever. I'm not going to have friends -- I shy away from people, and people correspondingly shy away from me. I'm not going to be anything to my husband other than a paycheck. Those things hurt, but it's the truth and it's time I stopped thinking I could do something to make it not true.

But thanks to both of you for your thoughts and kind words. ;)

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Thanks, Beth...

It occurs to me, though -- sure, people tell me I'm worth something, that I have value...but those are all people who don't know me. The people who know me best have all told me the opposite. That I am worthless. That I add nothing to the world, and only take away. I've been fighting against believing that, but why? Why would they be wrong? Wouldn't the people who know me best be right about me?

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...I find myself desperately not wanting to go home, where I'll be reminded, one way or another, of how worthless and miserable of a person I really am. And, on the other hand, desperately not wanting to stay here, in an office where I pretend I belong, but I really don't. Where do you go when you don't belong and aren't wanted anywhere?

Wow. How fantastically "woe-is-me." Stupid. I need to just grow up, put on my "I don't care" face, and suck it up. There are people far worse off than me. I need to shut up.

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Oh solstice, there are millions of people in the world. Sometimes we get stuck in circles of people because of patterns of relating... it matters how you relate to yourself and what your core beliefs are... we here at this site are working on a better footing with ourselves and our relationships. You are welcome to explore things here, you know. It is anonymous. There is much more to you than the things you are saying right now. There is much more to anyone than those things. ;)

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Maybe I am more than these things...but really, we're all largely the sum of our actions. My actions are not those of a good person. I may want to be better, I may want to be worthy and good and loveable, but I don't act like it, and I don't change my actions. So what does that make me?

I've tried to change my core beliefs, tried to change how I relate in the world and to others, and failed miserably. Trying any more seems impossible right now.

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