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Crutch?


Ralph

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I have been doing some soul searching on whether I am merely replacing alcohol with Xanax, or if it could be (dare I hope?) medication that truly helps me. I think the answer is in what I'm getting done. I used to sit on the couch and stare at the TV all night. Without turning the TV on. Now I am cleaning up the house, cooking healthier food instead of takeout 2x/day - nothing phenomenal but for the first time in approx two years I have no urge to commit suicide. The intrusive thoughts are just... gone. I still have some problems with disorientation and they tend to turn up the most when I try to skip doses in the hope that I won't become addicted to this.

I'm not okay with this. I don't like the fact that I'm a normal person on powerful psychotropic prescriptions and a morose, moping, self-hating mound of a man-like thing in my natural state. There is also the nasty tendency of these meds to change over time; even my stalwart alcohol turned against me in the end. If the xanax stops working or my pdoc doesn't want to refill it, it will be very difficult for me to avoid things that go boom.

I can't control that though. In the mean time, it is extremely nice to be able to simply fold my laundry without having to go cry because of flashbacks, nor space out for 20 minutes because I'm drugged into zombieland. My hand-wringing about all the problems of the world never helped anyone, nor did any of my resentment gain me revenge against the man who terrified me well past the time when I was big enough to fight back.

So, what can I do? I can clean my bathroom, and make that corner of the world a better place. I can smile and say hello to people in the hallways at work (even when I feel down), and at least for those two seconds, I was a decent person. If I fail, so did a lot of people.

Picture time:

the-truth-about-success.jpg

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Well crutches are for when you are waiting for your broken bone to heal enough to stand on... I'm glad you are experiencing healthier ways, Ralph :(. Maybe down the road you won't need this med, I don't know, but right now you are building healthy habits to stand on. :(

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The intrusive thoughts are just... gone.

[...]

I don't like the fact that I'm a normal person on powerful psychotropic prescriptions and a morose, moping, self-hating mound of a man-like thing in my natural state. There is also the nasty tendency of these meds to change over time; even my stalwart alcohol turned against me in the end. If the xanax stops working or my pdoc doesn't want to refill it, it will be very difficult for me to avoid things that go boom.

I think that these are also "intrusive thoughts" - new-ones, that should go away, too :(...

I try to skip doses in the hope that I won't become addicted to this.

Please, don't do this :(:o. Skipping doses can ba dangerous. The med is obviously working well for you and when you do this, you're sabotating yourself :(

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By intrusive thoughts I mean they seem to be on autopilot. As if it were not me thinking them but habitual loops playing repeatedly in the background. Irrational thoughts, OTOH are a normal part of my internal dialogue and I can step back and examine them.

I learned the hard way about skipping doses today. I had actually skipped any Xanax yesterday and that was specifically what I was writing about. Today I didn't feel so well. :( Luckily things are going fine so there is nothing external stressing me, just my own crazy med-averse self.

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I was thinking how to explain to you why I consider this attitude wrong:

I don't like the fact that I'm a normal person on powerful psychotropic prescriptions and a morose, moping, self-hating mound of a man-like thing in my natural state.

... and I finally have a comparison that could work (?):

If you suffered from a bad migrain and you were unable to work, morous and depressive because of your terrible headache, but there were a med that would remove the pain, would you feel the same as now saying: "I don't like the fact that I'm a normal person only with this med"? Wouldn't you be thankful for the med? I know psychotropic prescriptions are different than such analgetics, but... in principle, they both just correct, to some extent, something in your brain chemistry that is contributing to the symptoms. I know it's not a good feeling to be "manipulated chemically", but... the results so far are worth the prise of this "bad gut feeling", aren't they? Moreover, it's not really a manipulation, it's rather a correction or simply - a help.

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I am thankful for the meds. What I was expressing above is that I envy "normal" people who can make it through life without having to take something and experience the side effects that go along with it. If I had migraines, I would still prefer not to have the migraines in the first place.

I'd have less distrust of psychiatry if they had any explanations for what the heck they are doing. If you have diabetes, the docs prescribe insulin for you. There is no trial and error process of going through various "glucose uptake de-inhibitors" or whatever to see what works.

The fact that psychiatrists have to hunt and peck instead of prescribing the right drug the first or second try is why I would prefer not to be reliant on them.

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