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I realized today that I have yet to discover how to have fun without intoxication. Fun being defined as the times when you take a break from inhibitions and formalities. Doing stuff you probably shouldn't do but it makes for great stories precisely because it was a dumb idea.

I can relax in terms of deep breathing or using exercise to beat stress, but I can't seem to turn off my internal self conscious awkwardness to blow off any steam. Maybe that's the next goal. "Sober fun" sounds like an oxymoron, but unfortunately drinking ain't fun anymore either since I got full blown panic attacks. My other chemical friends are coming out of the woodwork now too. Remembering feeling cosmic oneness with the world by taking large doses of painkillers.. Ack. I'm obsessing. This is not good. Going to my greatest strength, distraction. I am eminently distractible. :o


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Wow, this sure sounds familiar. Kidding around with somebody, getting silly, having a tickle fight, a pillow fight, hilarious conversation, singing together, laughing at our problems. I sometimes forget how to do these things. Or it just doesn't dawn on me. Everything is so dark, depressing, serious, fatalistic, hopeless. I rarely played as a kid so I'm actually having to learn most of this as an adult, or pull up rare, fleeting memories of my favourite cousins coming over (skinny dips, leaf piles, making igloos, frog catching, playing with puppies, swimming in the rain, jumping on the bed). OK, OK - not all can be duplicated as an adult, but some can.

What is 'fun' for you, Ralph?

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"Everyone is so busy". I run into this a lot. I didn't think it happened with guys. My women friends are chauffeuring kids, working, running their households or taking care of their parents. My guy friends are out socializing, golfing, seeing friends or engaging in some hobby - at least one or two nights a week - the rest is family time. But they're all married (hence all the wonderful time available to them :eek:) so it doesn't work for me to hang out with them other than as a couple.

I finally figured out single gay men would be great to hang out with - but I never come across them, at least around my neck of the woods :D.

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