New personal all time record of 31 days sober. It came at a cost though. This weekend has been weird. More family drama. I'm alternating between feeling perfectly calm and moderate anxiety. Behaviorally I've been off kilter. Haven't got much of anything done this whole weekend and not prepared for tomorrow. Didn't cook ahead or do the ironing like I planned. Slept normally on Friday night but Saturday night I could tell it wasn't happening and took Ambien.

Wanted to find a meetup or some social activity, but barely managed to go shopping. In that sense I wonder if I'm really sober if I haven't changed anything in my life except not drinking. I went back to old habits of putting everything off even if I didn't crack open a bottle. At least it's harm reduction. Nothing's perfect. It just seems like whether I'm getting anything crossed off my to-do list is strongly correlated with whether I've taken Klonopin or Xanax recently.

It would have been easier to drink but would it have been easier in the long run? The jury is still out on that one. So sick of being anxious - it's not just garden variety worry! Although I do that way too much as well. I think I need to get back into therapy.