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test of faith


Ralph

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Intense cravings struck today from out of the blue. Was told to expect this although I didn't think I'd face it so soon. Also had some problems with anxiety making it very difficult not to cave in. Used my tools though, remembered why I am doing this and what are the long term consequences of either option. Challenged myself do I really need a drink? What will happen if I don't? I'll be uncomfortable for a while, might even face a panic attack. Oh well. I can handle it.

But that discomfort morphs into existential doubt. Do I even want to live, or am I caving in to pressure from everyone including myself to give the right answers, to act in the socially prescribed manner? Do I even have the will to see this through in the long term? No. I've only made it this far through luck.

The act of faith is to move forward even when it seems hopeless, past the point where I gave up more than once before. To trust that reality will somehow hold itself together even if it seems like it is about to collapse. I've done things before which I thought I couldn't do at the time. This is more work than I thought it would be.

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You're second guessing yourself, Ralph. You haven't made it this long on luck, you made it this far by making the decision to better your quality of life and by having determination.

"To act in the socially prescribed manner?" No, that's not the reason you're doing this. You know that it's hurting you, and you see more benefits of being sober than staring down the neck of a bottle.

Just remember Ralph, either way you go, there is going to be some level of doubt. But atleast when you're sober and in doubt, you can go to the calendar and flip back a few pages to the date when you quit and shut the voice of doubt out. Because there you will find a circled date of the day you decided to take a stand, and you'll know that you have indeed accomplished something. Hang in there. I know you can do this, there's no doubt in my mind. Keep posting.

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Hope today is better, Ralph. It amazes me how our thoughts will run on with the false comfort of hurting ourselves, giving up or ending it all. I do it too. It seems so automatic as a mechanism. Keep reaching for the real thing!!!! (real comfort, real peace) it only needs to happen in this moment :(

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Thanks for the perspective. I think my addiction was again toying with me while I didn't recognize it.

Having a mood disorder and a propensity to self medicate are a reinforcing combination.

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