why can't I just grow up?

Impulses to suicide growing lately. And I was trying so hard to take care of myself properly this time. Must have been too much sugar. Yep I'm off my rocker because of halloween candy. I know that I need to get out of my head but it's past the point of doing anything right now. Not like there's any danger, just something for me to notice. I'm used to resisting this tension, intermittently feeling the impulse and pushing it away. I wish I could describe the back and forth in my mind but it makes no sense. It's like when you put two mirrors opposite eachother except with toughts instead of lights. images within images within images... Want it over so bad, but I haven't earned my rest yet. What's the word for rage directed inward?

Waiting for the storm to pass...

Millions of people

All of you people

Dream of the sandman

But the sandman has turned to mud

Let everything happen to you, Beauty and terror, Just keep going, No feeling is final. -Rilke