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wiggle room

Ralph

Entry posted by Ralph

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I've been needing to remember to give myself that lately. Too much black and white thinking - perfection or unmitigated failure.

Starting to think I need to be transitioning off of meds and use things like deep breathing, meditation, yoga, exercise, etc. to manage my oversized moods. Meds usually will work for a while and then stop working. Except wellbutrin but according my pdoc, that is the genesis for my panic attacks.

Makes sense in that norepinephrine is stimulated by adrenaline but then again Cymbalta stimulates norepinephrine too and is FDA approved for anxiety with depression. So my pdoc is doing everything right, it's just my body that refuses to cooperate. Only problem with the wellbutrin besides exacerbation of anxiety is that it doesn't do the whole job. It just helps me not be suicidal but I'm still depressed. I skipped a dose of wellbutrin today to see what would happen. Suicidal thoughts. Hooray I can turn them off and on like a faucet just by deciding whether or not to take my meds. Dear brain, please stop doing this. Sincerely, the conscience.

PS I want to die. I'm not going to because some things are immoral and i think this is one of them, but it's BS of me to try and be positive all the time when I feel like this.

Just like a car crash. Just like a knife. The only truth I know....

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LaLa

Hi, Ralph,

I'm sorry I don't know what to say (so that it would be useful) :(, so... I just want to let you know I love this:

Dear brain, please stop doing this. Sincerely, the conscience.

:(

... Or maybe one message for you:

Dear Ralph, please stop skipping doses of meds. We don't want you to be suicidal! Sincerely, your MHN friends. :(

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JaiJai

wiggle room is tricky. I think i sometimes try to provoke others so its easier to be angry with them or not to care about them.

wanting to die, is really wanting to not hurt. Im personally trying to give creedence to the likelyhood that hurting cant last forever- of course whether dying is subject to the same fate is a matter of opinion.

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Athena
wiggle room is tricky. I think i sometimes try to provoke others so its easier to be angry with them or not to care about them.
Or to push them away before they get close enough to hurt you?
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Ralph

JaiJai I'm the opposite in that I walk on eggshells because I'm scared to death that anyone who got angry at me would go psycho on me.

I should clarify I don't want to die per se. I would prefer to never have existed and a dirt nap seems to be roughly equivalent. Yes I don't want to hurt, but everything hurts especially if one is depressed. That said it feels like blasphemy to despair of my situation when my aesthetic side finds life in the abstract to be quite beautiful. I guess that's the main thing keeping me around is trying to resolve that conundrum.

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