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back to baseline


Ralph

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Feel normal today. Eh, what's normal anyway. Have been more active in using lists to get things done. I get a feeling of accomplishment from this which boosts me up a bit. Also got a workout in after missing a few and noticed the difference immediately. I guess if I don't exercise for the physical reason I still need to get active for the emotional benefits. Meds seem to be working although I do feel a little zombified. Giving it 4-5 weeks to see if the prozac is going to help.

Have had cravings to drink but then I think do I really want the hangover. Every once in a while maybe, but I'm enjoying being relatively clear headed for now. Not making any commitments over the holidays but I am determined to make it at least sixty days no booze or illegal substances. Have used legit prescribed tranquilizers and sadly caffeine by the boatload, so prolly cannot count this as sober time. Harm reduction is progress though. Opiates being more of a concern when I am depressed because the longer I go in misery the more drastic means I will resort to for an escape. Keep thinking about roxicet. I don't even notice I'm high when I have used those, just that I seem to be in a world of bliss. A world that is clean, where everything works. I'm above the noise and the chaos and the dirtiness and nastiness of the everyday world but know that to this state I must return.

Things are pretty good. Got a job where I play with data all day, my boyfriend is good to me, and this thing I call myself seems to be learning from mistakes. If it gets too hard I can retreat inside of myself. Sobriety has taught me how to withdraw... it's like a personal talent I have to divide myself that seems to be the way that I work around things I don't understand in the world.

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Must be nice to have your boyfriend back:).

"Sobriety has taught me how to withdraw..."

Seems we just can't avoid replacing one coping mechanism with another. Perhaps we should just aim to upgrade our coping methods until we are simply left with the healthiest ones:).

I was thinking of you yesterday. I went to a little bar in the poor side of town to watch a jam session. I have a real curiosity (maybe a little self-interest here too) about how musicians get started, in terms of performing in a band. They're a really fun bunch of people, albeit a little rough around the edges. The bar's just a hole in the wall, really - nothing special. So this guy saunters up, asks to borrow the electric guitar of one of the guys in the house band...And proceeds to blow our socks off! Turns out he has played with the likes of David Bowie, Rough Trade, Jeff Healy among other big names. Toney (Wild T) Springer. Can't think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon - and no cover charge! If you want to get inspired, go hang out at some jam sessions in your town.

Here's a sample:

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That guitarist was pretty good. Looks like he took a bit to get warmed up and then let loose.

There are many ways to start a band. Yet playing out is part business and part music. It's sort of like being into cooking and deciding to start a restaurant, except you need less equipment to get started. It's no accident that musicians tend to be rough around the edges, especially on the bar scene.

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Yeah I've had to come to terms with harm reduction for the time being. I don't see my withdrawing as particularly unhealthy because it's probably a form of self hypnosis. I do need to practice though. Still working on that song because I stopped for a while :o

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