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Pigs get slaughtered. Bacon, pork, whatever.

I treat things like a pig sometimes, just big dumb smelly and stupid, did I mention I was dumb?

Someone's going to slaughter me, only a matter of time.

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Every move I make is the wrong move. I'm like a retard on a chess board. I burn every bridge.

Cant get started on anything let alone finish.

I constantly see myself from a 3rd perspective, my eyeballs all frantic and helpless. Like I am looking down at myself the way you might look down at a frog in a little puddle and think about how short, cold and meaningless its life must be.

I seem better when I am around others, but really I am just as frantic. I never have anything to say, I am always left asking people questions because there is nothing for me to say. I have nothing to offer. Also I have nothing to create, I cant add anything to this world. Im just here to observe what is, and die.

My logical thinking has gone flying off, its floating around in space somewhere. I abandoned it for some reason and now I dont know where to find it.

Im working nights shifts from 6pm to 8am, so i was going to pizza pizza for some pizza and and energy drink at 3, and who do I see, but my highschool reunuin party which I wasnt invited to, all eating pizza. No one helped me out, and i didnt have any enthusiasm to do something becuase I never talked to any of them in the first place. Im tall and they were all short and small, and i just wanted to start a fight with all of them for the hell of it. But I just walked by.

I guess im a ghost, but cant settle with that, I got to pull myself out of the dirt. I want to, but every attempt to seems to take me farther away.

I think the only thing I am good at is getting angry. angry with life itself.

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Angry things..

I guess hitler was pretty pissed off, but I think martin luther king jr probably was too. Even ghandi was probably pissed off, how else do you starve yourself like that?? For morality? No, you do it to make a point, and you make the point your making because your pissed off at the points others are making.

Being angry is better than being depressed, when you are depressed you dont do anything, anger makes you do things. Anger is a release. things are flowing. Depression is a state of dead or dieing.

You could be in any situation and find yourself depressed about it. Depression doenst do anything. Get angry and make something happen, suddenly the situation has changed. It doesnt mean you express anger in the situation, it just means that your anger pushes you do change it, it must be changed and you dont stop until it has. Be angry enough not to care at all, your morality will show through then-If you are a moral person, you wont become hitler when you go mad, but we wont know until your mad enough to actually do something. Until then your nothing, nobody knows what happens when your mad, and they dont know who you are.

Whats another source of energy?

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In my opinion, love is a source of energy.

In fact, I would venture to say that Gandhi might have been motivated by that more than by anger, but I don't know for sure; I'm not him. I would say that I'm not personally motivated by anger as much as by other things. But that's just my impression of me.

Now, I agree that many things are better than depression, including possibly the kind of anger that motivates. {Instead of the kind of anger that kills, though, I'd rather be depressed.} So maybe what matters more is what one does with the motivation, rather than the source of the motivation?

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Motivation has to be found regardless of whether or not it ends up causing hell, because the real hell is depression, there isnt anything worse, except for maybe a bad psychotic trip, but those are usually fleeting and short lasting compared to depression which is chronic and dumbing. Most people with depression--when it gets really bad, would prabably rather be dead, its mind numbing, they have nothing to live for, the only thing that stops them from doing it is the fact that the have nothing to die for either, then they really realise there is no point, sometimes thats a thats a turning point, thats when you get mad.

Gandhi may have done it out of love, but love is a cover up for selfishness and anger. Love your enemies or like gandhi--an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind is another way to one-up someone, a way to be the superior, its just as ferocious as straight up anger, its just a little sneakier. When I think I love a girl, when I look into it thoroughly, I realise I just love to bang her. Thats love. Love is a source of energy until you see how angry it is. Its an illusion people fall for when they're high on it--although if you are high on it, stay there while it lasts because it is better, but expect to crash and burn at some point, can never make a safe landing because you'll still be trying to walk one hundred feet above the ground when the wings crap out.

Everythings angry to me. Just want to shout at people. I really need to not give a f*** to take part in the world I have to be angry too unless I want to be the one left out. When the world shoots out at you dont duck, I think I always used to avoid everything. All I know is that anger is my only source of motivation, not only motivation, but it is the only thing that is honest. There is nothing more genuine than anger.

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I can live with that, if it works for you. After all, it matters not at all whether I agree with you or not.

You mention a need for motivation. What is it that you need motivation for; what are your goals? Then, can you achieve them using your philosophy?

If so, why bother to discuss it as a philosophy? Go out and apply it.

Or, if not, there seem to me to be two options: you're not angry enough, or the fundamental concept is flawed and needs rework.

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Flawed or not, its really my only source of motivation, but I am afraid I'll end up in jail. I did 3 months about 3 years ago becuase basically I was pissed off and got charged for assulting a police officer. Obviously I dont want to go there again. But again I have chronic depression, and the only way I do things outside of depression is in anger. Its juvenile, but I have tried different approaches and there is no other escape from depression. If I wasnt a fucking retarded person, I'd do things more intelligently, but I just get walked over by ppl with a healthy mind, so fuck it, theres nothing to do but impose my brute will on them, thats just what I am, its what I do. I cant see outside the box, why would the hell would I want outside one anyway.

Theres nothing I do well when I am depressed anyway, its gotten me nowhere. Atr least with anger I have some kind of energy going, and maybe that will catch onto something.

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Hey nathan, no one's calling you names because of this philosophy, though it sounds like you're attaching some names to yourself over it. I'm just trying to help you see whether there might be something that works better.

Have you tried any of the other options for treating depression, like therapy?

I would suggest that you can see outside of the box, and that's why you're writing this. You're just not finding a way to get yourself out of the box.

Maybe there are more places left to look.

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I am pissed drunk right now, I tried editing this post but I deleted it..

Basically, I am some kind of idiot with bad luck. I look for answers while at the same time I rip out my eyes that allow me to see them. Keep dwelling on loads of crap becuase I keep shitting on myself, and the more you shit on yourself, the more you might aswell shit on yourself since your already a pile of shit..

Therapist just ask a bunch of idiot questions, they'll even ask what drugs I want to take, last time I saw one he asked me what it is I want from him.. isnt he the therapist? I dont know what I want him to do to help me, thats why I am seeing him,...are therapist just supposed to act like mystics, who question anyone whos questioning? as that it? I dont want to play the this is it game, ive tried that already. Therapy doesnt do anything. They do the same thing anyone does, they make you think about your 'goals' and 'hobbies', and all the crap you never think about becuase your too fucked to want to.

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