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Wooden


Ralph

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so going down on the wellbutrin made me more than a little foggy in the head & I went back up. Exercised some, ate a lot thanks to the Symbyax making me hungrier than a pregnant giraffe and meditated. Still haven't gotten around to calling the counselor I was referred to by the priest. Haven't been practicing, no motivation. Not that I'm waiting to be motivated, but really just getting out the door in the morning is an accomplishment and I think I need to conserve my oomph for getting shit done. I am a robot.

I've been trying to figure out why I want to drink and so far it's come down to I was doing fine before I tried to give up my addictions. You see when I was drinking and smoking, my psychiatric symptoms were under control. When I quit smoking the depression came to the forefront and when I quit drinking the taste for other drugs came to the forefront and giving those up seems to have precipitated panic attacks. Or something. I don't even know how much I'm deceiving myself or not.

I want to die for a while and then I can't believe how amazing life is. That's why I've backed out of suicide before; I fall into the pro-life state it seems at the most inopportune moments.

I have this fantasy that if I go back to self medicating I won't have to deal with these godawful meds making me fat and impotent (not that I'm either mind you, although i am sliding in that direction which makes me stop and take stock).

I mean the pdocs have done me no particular favors. The one combo that really really worked for me, Wellbutrin + xanax (or similar) I can't take for too long so I am supposed to be on an antipsychotic which makes me dumb as a rock. Then pdoc wonders why I'm not responding to the damn Antidepressants. I did my homework though and it's pretty rare for benzos to work long term.

It does for some people but drinkers don't get trusted with benzos. Damn shame because I can abuse alcohol anytime I want, while if I even try to abuse benzos I just fall asleep. Where's the fun in that? I can take a normal amount and not have a hangover so why would I abuse? So, if it's a foregone conclusion that I'm gonna get jacked on something it seems a harm reduction approach would be appropriate, but we are too puritanical to consider that.

I wonder what the heck I am doing here. It hurts more often than not and nobody really needs me. I think I occasionally overindulge in substances because in the back of my mind it is my way out. If I float into oblivion in a cloud of heroin then I won't panic at the last moment. Drugs can be capricious partners though. Anyone whose ever had a bad trip or paranoia from using has been there.

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"nobody really needs me."

Do you not feel needed by your boyfriend?

I think the difficult path is actually facing our demons free of any substances. But in the long run, it is the only one that actually solves our problems permanently. I view meds and other substances simply as crutches to get you through the worst of it. I prefer ones that are 'take as needed' just to cut off the extremes when they occur, which is not always. Then the rest of the time, I get to have a brain, or a semblance of one.

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I do not know what the foundation of your depression is, but if you want to stop escaping (addictions), I believe you need to be processing in order not be depressed anymore. I don't know much about overcoming depression, but it must be possible... My mom often wonders why she's here too. I'll tell you like I told her, there is still love to be had, to be given and to be giving. :o It all starts with loving yourself and the world, which is bloody hard... all we can do is try to love.

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I don't think my boyfriend needs me like I need him. It still is a reason to live. It's hard being in a long distance relationship. On the bright side he is flying here right now and I'm going to go pick him up in about an hour.

I've noticed that when my anxiety is under control the depression is only something in the background instead of clouding my thoughts as it clearly was when I wrote the blog posting. Maybe that is the root of my depression then but the root of my anxiety is something in the back of my mind that I'm afraid to remember. I'm working on the anxiety through non-drug approaches such as yoga and meditation. Getting out of my spiraling thoughts and into the physical sensations of my body seems to be a key to getting a break from the worst of the anxiety.

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Maybe that is the root of my depression then but the root of my anxiety is something in the back of my mind that I'm afraid to remember. I'm working on the anxiety through non-drug approaches such as yoga and meditation. Getting out of my spiraling thoughts and into the physical sensations of my body seems to be a key to getting a break from the worst of the anxiety.
Would it not be a good idea to bring the repressed memory into consciousness, deal with it once and for all (via some form of therapy) and have it fade away, or at least take away its the anxiety provoking effect it has on you?
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Thanks, that is a very good suggestion. I didn't even think of it because I had gotten so used to avoidance that I forgot there might be a way to face it. I guess I'm afraid of processing stuff because it leaves me physically exhausted after the crying and reframing/challenging cognitive distortions work. However compared to constantly running from my thoughts it starts to look like facing the unnamed fear is the best option if I want to get better.

I have been procrastinating getting into therapy because I am afraid of anything that might open that box, but I could think of it as sticking up for myself. It is difficult for me to make that first call, but once I've gotten started I generally will see it through. The closer I get to it the more it looks like something that happened a while ago and not being able to understand at the time I never processed it, but maybe I've reached a point where inside I sense that it is time to clean out this corner of my mind.

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Sounds like you are ready for it. Also sounds like you've been through CBT, a very, very different form of therapy. I started with that, and it is useful but doesn't get to the emotional level. Frustrating as hell when you see the cognitive distortions you are in the process of experiencing but just can't change them. For example, it's very hard to convince your brain you can trust a certain class of people who have mostly done a lot of harm to you. Every fibre of your being says to expect them to hurt you. Countless examples from your past virtually prove you right so it is very hard to change the belief without finding some way to truly feel safe.

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