"nobody really needs me."

Do you not feel needed by your boyfriend?

I think the difficult path is actually facing our demons free of any substances. But in the long run, it is the only one that actually solves our problems permanently. I view meds and other substances simply as crutches to get you through the worst of it. I prefer ones that are 'take as needed' just to cut off the extremes when they occur, which is not always. Then the rest of the time, I get to have a brain, or a semblance of one.

I do not know what the foundation of your depression is, but if you want to stop escaping (addictions), I believe you need to be processing in order not be depressed anymore. I don't know much about overcoming depression, but it must be possible... My mom often wonders why she's here too. I'll tell you like I told her, there is still love to be had, to be given and to be giving. It all starts with loving yourself and the world, which is bloody hard... all we can do is try to love.

I don't think my boyfriend needs me like I need him. It still is a reason to live. It's hard being in a long distance relationship. On the bright side he is flying here right now and I'm going to go pick him up in about an hour.

I've noticed that when my anxiety is under control the depression is only something in the background instead of clouding my thoughts as it clearly was when I wrote the blog posting. Maybe that is the root of my depression then but the root of my anxiety is something in the back of my mind that I'm afraid to remember. I'm working on the anxiety through non-drug approaches such as yoga and meditation. Getting out of my spiraling thoughts and into the physical sensations of my body seems to be a key to getting a break from the worst of the anxiety.

Maybe that is the root of my depression then but the root of my anxiety is something in the back of my mind that I'm afraid to remember. I'm working on the anxiety through non-drug approaches such as yoga and meditation. Getting out of my spiraling thoughts and into the physical sensations of my body seems to be a key to getting a break from the worst of the anxiety.

Thanks, that is a very good suggestion. I didn't even think of it because I had gotten so used to avoidance that I forgot there might be a way to face it. I guess I'm afraid of processing stuff because it leaves me physically exhausted after the crying and reframing/challenging cognitive distortions work. However compared to constantly running from my thoughts it starts to look like facing the unnamed fear is the best option if I want to get better.

I have been procrastinating getting into therapy because I am afraid of anything that might open that box, but I could think of it as sticking up for myself. It is difficult for me to make that first call, but once I've gotten started I generally will see it through. The closer I get to it the more it looks like something that happened a while ago and not being able to understand at the time I never processed it, but maybe I've reached a point where inside I sense that it is time to clean out this corner of my mind.

Sounds like you are ready for it. Also sounds like you've been through CBT, a very, very different form of therapy. I started with that, and it is useful but doesn't get to the emotional level. Frustrating as hell when you see the cognitive distortions you are in the process of experiencing but just can't change them. For example, it's very hard to convince your brain you can trust a certain class of people who have mostly done a lot of harm to you. Every fibre of your being says to expect them to hurt you. Countless examples from your past virtually prove you right so it is very hard to change the belief without finding some way to truly feel safe.