Emotional liability
my meds help with depression but seem to have given me high blood pressure and insomnia. Plus I've gained 10 lbs despite working my ass off in the gym. Not that I've been too careful with what I eat but honestly you try not eating half a box of cheeze-its when you've got the munchies from AAP induced high prolactin. Average weight gain is 30 lbs over six months so actually my work in the gym probably paid off.
Anyway I think I'm ready to be done with this med nonsense. I was better off when I was smoking and drinking, at least then I could have fun and not worry about it. Now I drink a glass of wine and get heart thumping in my ears 48 hrs later, what a great time. If I am going to die of heart disease no matter what there is no point in me being a non smoker except that I really love running and don't want to be addicted to anything. Love hate relationship.
So to get off drugs I have to start paying back the hurt that I've been pushing off. And that shit comes due with interest, hence it is a liability that I am building up every time I take something that gets me away from the pain.
Starting to fray at the edges. Everything I try to do doesn't work, or it does work but backfires later. Well, maybe not everything but all the things I cared about or really thought would work. That's what low emotional intelligence combined with high analytical intelligence will get you. If amoral a sociopath and if moral then a tactless buffoon. Fuck I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I'm frustrated and discouraged and not sure if I should even care. Can't think straight. Sorry for rambling.
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