I think my thoughts about death may be about a desire to live for something larger than myself. Then again, maybe a desire for selflessness is really just another avoidance tactic (martyrdom - I must be a good person; look how much I allow myself to suffer).
I push people away because I learned a long time ago not to trust others to fulfill my needs, but that isolation has led to a lack of meaning. The needs for meaning and connection don't seem to be ones I can fulfill without taking some risk in trusting others.
So far I've been quite focused on fulfilling my own needs through my own methods; after all I am the only one I can depend on. This has led to a state where I'm ashamed of the type of person I've become.