Working on why/how to live. If I am so afraid to die for nothing then there must be something I want to live for. Coming up blank on the usual candidates such as family, service, making the world a better place, etc. All seems fake or nice to think about but no follow through when I try to do it. When I try to figure it out it's like something I can't face yet is in the way, trying to get my attention but I know there is pain in it so I shy away. It feels like something and nothing at the same time. Fear of the unfeeling, losing contact with emotion and then having emotions about the lack of emotion.
It doesn't make sense, but in a way I don't mind. I'm not lost I'm exploring. Yeah. That's it. I could be rapidly approaching the point where I finally take my medicine so to speak and face the shards of memories stalking my awareness. Some of them are good, which holds my attention. It's like reaching through broken glass for something beautiful, but I don't know how to grasp it. Panic is just around the corner, but I am familiar enough with it that I can manage it now.
I am hearing the music again. Practicing more, sometimes just riffing on scales and every once in a while I'll play something that doesn't seem to be me, but the music coming through me. The reason I play is that it calms my racing thoughts, but to get good music out of my instrument every so often is kind of nice too.