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Tuesday, February 7, 2012.


Kayla

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I want today to be a good day.

I'm in class right now, and probably should be taking notes, but it's one of those days where I feel like doing nothing. These are the days when I usually feel the worst. I may start crying for no reason, or get anxious and have to preform one of my rituals just to get my anxiety level down.

It bothers me that after all these years of being on medication, and doing my absolute best to figure out myself, and how to prevent my OCs, they STILL happen. I almost feel as though they are an addiction. Some people get anxious, and need to drink a beer to calm down. When I feel super anxious, I may NEED to check the trunk of my car to feel better. Except, I'd want to check it 7-10 times. Am I going to be this way forever!?

I know that over these 5 years, my OCs have calmed down tremendously, and aren't a part of my daily life anymore. But they're still a part of my weekly life.

I should be grateful that life has gotten even the slightest bit better for me, and I truly have been for the past 4 years or so. But I believe it's time for me to start making more progress. I'm ready for that next step.

I took this picture of my friends kittens a few months ago. The little black and white one had just got done yawning, and I caught him like this... It always makes me smile. :(

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The perfect quote to fit my day.

“This is when the magic happens: right when you feel like everything is going wrong, shift your attitude to accept that it’s actually going right. Our judgments of how we think our life should be are preventing us from reaching our Highest Potential. If you’re going through a storm, hold the belief that it’s the perfect storm for you to be going through and that you’ve been given everything you need to weather the storm. When the chaos subsides you will experience the Truth that is forever true; you are always taken care of, exactly where you need to be and your efforts are rewarded exactly when they need to be. Remember this Truth the next time a storm is on the horizon and you will grow wings and be able fly right over it and towards the calm waters of Trust and Love.”

- Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

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I think that I have read this is true about compulsions. The compulsion relieves the anxiety. I hope you can be gentle with yourself, Kayla. It's not easy changing these behaviors and you've been working hard. Maybe you might try by only checking a few times? Can you do something else to alleviate your anxiety? Maybe try to breathe through it? Take care today.

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Well, usually during the anxiety all I think about is a compulsion. Like, I HAVE to do that one thing, right now. Or else the world is going to end. When really, I might have a small panic attack that lasts 5-10 minutes, and then it's all over. I do these little finicky things to keep myself from having an anxiety attack, when honestly, the panic attack is probably easier to go through. It's such a silly problem for me, but when I'm in that state of mind, it's NOT silly and I feel as though I might just die if I don't go through with the compulsion.

I do a number of different things to relieve anxiety. There are a few that I do more often than others though.

Those would be: Pulling my hair out strand by strand, checking the trunk of my car multiple times, checking for my keys 4 times, every single time I get out of the car (even if I'm not driving), checking every closet in the house when I get home... which I will do again when I get anxious. And there's various other things I go through daily. There have been times where I was able to breathe through the anxiety and keep myself from having a panic attack, and doing the compulsion which feels amazing! But it's not always that easy.

I also try to do things that help me from having so much anxiety. My boyfriend and I have been playing tennis since I've been here, and I've realized it's helped me and it's good exercise! I also enjoy painting, and doing all sorts of DIY crafts. Sometimes with the crafts though, my perfectionist personality will come through and I won't be able to sleep because what I was working on is not finished, or isn't exactly the way I want it to be. I enjoy doing it though. :o

Thank you for replying IrmaJean, you're so sweet and I always find comfort in reading your posts. :o

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I hope you can try not to place judgment on your responses and behaviors, Kayla. This is very difficult for you. It's challenging. It sounds like you are working very hard and that's great.

I'm happy that you find my posts comforting. I enjoy being comforting and channeling that energy. That comforts me. :o I hope you enjoy your day.

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