Lately feeling like giving in even though urges aren't so bad to deal with anymore. It feels like I'm a disaster even when I would to outside observers appear to have my act together. So even if things are going well it will still feel like shit. How do you think your way out of that one?

Drugs become appealing as a way out. A quick ticket to a dirt nap and maybe a few good times along the way. And I miss the good times. Only thing stopping me is that the good times stopped before I did. I mean there was a point where I decided this wasn't working anymore. Even felt like God was involved. Now that I have some distance from it it seems like it wasn't so bad.

Guess this is the overconfidence that precedes a relapse. I know I don't really want to relapse. I fantasize about getting high and even dream about it, although I don't want to think about the downside to that. The health and potential legal consequences. The continued cravings. Keep trying to remind myself of this since awareness of the costs seems to have been missing in my past screw-ups. Also trying to keep myself into music which is a form of escape that isn't so bad for me. Still feels like an uphill fight though. Wish there were some way to rest without sliding back down.