Im sorry you are going through so much pain Jenna.I really hope things to get better for you and to find happiness in your life.

Hugs:)

Thank you Andromeda, I wish the same for you. ONT="Courier New"][color

I think back to 4 years ago, and think about how I used to be and wharom thoset f I've become. I had to overcome several traumatic experiences within a little over a year at the end of 2008 and 2009. Then ofcourse I thought I was recovering from that, Charlie passed away in May of 2010. I guess you could say I feel as though if I hadn't been so involved with what was going on with my life at that time, I would have noticed that something wasn't right and could have saved his life. I will always live with the guilt I feel. I was his sister, I should have known. Maybe that's why I wil forever be haunted by sadness, images of death, disturbed sleep, and held back from living my life. I feel like I'm being punished. Maybe that's why I can't see my neices and nephews? It's unusual that I can't and I never would have imagined there would be a day they would be kept away, but the punishment continues as I miss them growing up. The presents pile up from holidays and birthdays that I don't get to give, my daughter doesn't get to play with her cousins anymore which leaves a void in her heart as well.

And ofcourse there is the hurtful words that come from my mother's mouth constantly to let me know in a way that she would rather it have been me than him. It's as thought she holds a grudge that I'm here and he's not. A person is supposed to take care of their parents regardless, and I continue to set myself up from these rants. My dad is ill, and I love him very much, and his life expectancy from his health problems are uncertain. I want to spend that time with him while I have it, with no regrets after he's gone, but she makes it miserable and takes away from the time I get to spend with him. I can't say a word to her, because my father believes I should respect her and what she says no matter how untrue, degrading, or hurtful it is. So I sit in silence and die inside a little more. I long for a mother who loves me. A mother figure. But I'll never have one.

I know people have it far worse than I do, and I feel guilty for even venting about my problems. I don't know how people deal with it and continue to live a successful and productive life. Maybe I'll stumble upon that secret in my search for peace. Here's hoping.

Jenna,

10 months is still to soon for you to be able to move on. You won't be grieving all your life, sweetie. I hate to say it, but eventually you will get used to living without having your brother in your life.

One day at the time.

(((((( Jenna ))))))

Trauma can have a way of being cumulative as well. I do think this aspect of grief can complicate things further. I wish you were able to get counseling for yourself on a consistent basis. I'm sorry for your pain.

Are you able to connect with any positive energy with your feelings for Charlie and your loving self? Positive memories? It may still be too painful to think of this.

Take gentle care, Jenna.

It seems as if all the positive thoughts of him are being overshadowed by something else. I try to think about things we did together, the holidays we spent together with our kids playing and screaming in the background, and things from when I was little. I think back to when I was nine and he was going off to college, and how i cried for days because my big brother moved away.

I had a lot of errands to run yesterday, so I was on the road pretty much all day long with my son. There were times I'd just burst into tears out of nowhere. I wasn't thinking of Charlie, and nothing triggered it, the tears just started falling. Instead of going to the grocery store last night, I decided I wanted do something to try to take my mind off of everything bad, so I went night fishing. We hadn't been there for more than 15 minutes before I had an emotional outburst and wanted to leave. I think I reacted that way because the last thing my brother and I did was go night fishing. I got this sick feeling in my stomach as I cried and I just longed to be able to go back to that last time, and relive it.

My physical health and my anxiety has taken a lot away from me, including my abilities to do a lot of my hobbies. Fishing is seriously the only thing I have left, but I do believe the PTSD has taken that away from me too. I ask myself now, what can I do to unwind? I just wish I could find an escape every now and again. There are days I feel like I'm realizing he's dead all over again. Many times a day I just think it's too much for me to handle and that my life will forever be tears and sorrow.

I know if I were to be able to sit down with Charlie and talk to him now, he would tell me he didn't want me to live like this, and none of what happened to him was my fault, he just kept it a wellkept secret. No matter how I reason it out, my mind is overloaded and nothing helps to ease the pain. I really wish I could seek counseling on regular basis as well, but the cut off my medical assistance after the six month review saying since I wasn't pregnant, they were taking the state assistance away.

Things just don't make sense to me. Maybe someday they will.

Grief can be so very difficult. I'm sorry for your pain.

(((((Jenna))))) Thinking of you tonight and sending my care.

Thank you, Beth. I really needed that tonight. I've been struggling the last 24 hours with the grief. I went to bed yesterday at 5 pm and woke up this morning at 6:30 am. I'm wearing myself out both physically and mentally.

I started journaling again tonight in my quest for peace only to come to a conclusion I really didn't want to find.

As human beings, whether it be with relationships gone sour, a mistake that we've made, etc., we need closure to move on. In most cases, in the situation above, though it may take time, we can get that closure because the other party involved is alive and we can we're sorry, or hear an apology, or do something to correct or mistakes. In this case, there will never be closure so I might as well stop looking for the peace I long for. I've tried making time for myself, thinking positive, taking time out for peaceful prayers and so much more. But something always brings up the guilt I feel, the sadness, the emptiness, what I should have done, what I didn't do, and what I would have done had I known. How do I move on to the next chapter in my life when I can't close this one? I'm drowning in guilt tonight because it was my responsibility to save him- any sister would have figured it out long before it ended as it did, but I didn't. That makes me feel like a failure- I failed him, and now he's gone.

I'm drowning in guilt tonight because it was my responsibility to save him- any sister would have figured it out long before it ended as it did' date=' but I didn't. That makes me feel like a failure- I failed him, and now he's gone.[/quote']

Dear Jenna, I am here and listening. I understand that you feel responsible right now, but you aren't responsible for what happened to Charlie. Even if you had known he had a problem, it still would have been up to him to take steps to save himself. When you hold on to blame, it becomes that much more difficult to let go of the painful feelings in this.

You loved your brother, Jenna, and you were a loving sister to him. You are not in any way responsible for his death. I'm sorry this hurts so very much. Take a deep breath and let the guilt go, if you can.

Can you find a space to be gentle with yourself now? We are here to support you.

There are lots of times I wish I could hold a little sunshine in my hands, or just reach up close enough to the heavens to touch my brother's hand one last time. Yesterday made ten months since he passed away, and I've really spiraled into a depressive state.

Tonight I made it a point to sit on the porch and look up at the stars, telling myself he's better off up there, and that he can see me, he can hear me. But I just can't make myself believe that the tears I shed and the sobs that escape from me even when I try not to let them be heard, can be heard by him.

I'm working harder and harder by the day to let him go hopefully I'll see progress soon. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better?

Heart broken this morning.....

Found this new song by my favorite artist which descibes my life at this point perfectly. Nobody understands.

My son's birthday is coming up next month- charlie died the day of his first birthday party. I never got well enough to have that party. Had I not had to postpone it twice for my inlaws, his uncle charlie would have been able to come and I've had pictures of them together. My son will never know how great his uncle charlie was.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, Jenna.

Maybe when the pain is not so close, you will find comfort in telling your son all about Charlie.

{{{{Jenna}}}}

Hi sweetie,

That is a beautiful song. You might never "get over" Charlie, but I sure hope that one day, you will have a white umbrella over your head.

Lots of love,

Svetlana

My husband informed me today he believes it's silly for me to write the things I do, especially t'he post where I wrote letters to Charlie in the addiction section. I tried to explain I not only did it for myself, I hoped someone who was struggling with the beast addiction would read the letters of pain and truth I had written and think " I don't want my family to hurt like this" and seek help.

Since he's lost many "friends", he thinks I should just get over it before I lose him. It's not that simple and I find it a shame that I will have to hide my grief from this point forward in order for him to better tolerate me. I feel like I'm losing everyone.

Silence is deafening, and keeping silent, building a dam for the tears, and pretending is not going to help me get over it any quicker. I explained to him that I have no control over my mind when it comes to the PTSD. I will forever be traumatized because the death was sudden, unexpected, and just simply traumatic in so many ways. My parents don't understand, neither does my very own husband. I guess I'm not meant to be understood at this point in my life, or from this point forward.

It makes me think all of you are thinking the same as they are. Just get over it, right. I'm alone in this battle. I feel defeated.

I'm sorry your family is not being supportive, Jenna. This is a time when you need their care and support the most...

I lost a friend of mine some years back. We were close like sisters. She did not pass away and I was still devastated by the grief. It took me close to 3 years and therapy to fully move through the loss of a friendship.

I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I want to reassure you that I fully support you. Grief is a very personal journey. It's okay to express yourself. I hope that you feel heard and comforted here. I'm sorry for your pain, Jenna. Are you able to find ways to comfort yourself? Take care.

What color is your rose, Jenna? I almost always feel mine as pink. I connect a lot with flower symbolism and imagery too.

Have you ever saw the light blue roses? That's my rose. It's unique just like me, I've had two of them in previous residences, and had to work really hard to get them to florish. I feel I'm the same way. It is going to take a lot of TLC to turn into something beautiful.

By the way Beth and Lana, if you don't mind, may I have your personal email. I finally gained the confidence to let myself be captured in a picture and I know I've been promising one for a while.

I hope you can freely offer tender loving care to yourself, Jenna. That would be very healing for you.

I'll pm you.

Easter was so hard. I didn't have a good day at all. I really feel like I'm never going to get over this. The PTSD is sometimes too much to handle. I keep seeing him dead. I can't even watch the news or read the paper because I cry over everything. If a stranger dies, I grieve for the family as if it were my own. I'm screwed up forever.

Im sorry you are still feeling bad Jenna.:(Im sure PTSD is hard to handle but dont lose your hope.Things will become better with time

Take care for yourself

Easter was so hard. I didn't have a good day at all. I really feel like I'm never going to get over this. The PTSD is sometimes too much to handle. I keep seeing him dead. I can't even watch the news or read the paper because I cry over everything. If a stranger dies, I grieve for the family as if it were my own. I'm screwed up forever.

I hear your discouragement, Jenna. I'm sorry you are suffering so much. When you have a flashback, do you have any methods that help you ground yourself? What brings you serenity? During times of grief, tears can come very easily. I understand this is very hard and it feels like the pain won't ever end. I hope you are able to hold on to hope. Be very gentle with yourself now, if you can.

Sending my love and care.

How are things? Thinking of you.