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It Never Gets Easier

This loss for me hasn't begun to get easier, not even the slightest bit yet. People say with time, things will get easier, but I find that it's gotten worse. The last four days have been horrible as far as flashbacks, reliving his funeral, vivid dreams that would make a boxoffice hit if it were a horror movie. I miss him. I feel that the way I'm dealing with the grief at this point and time is the way I will have to get used to dealing with it for good. I fear it's permanent. I fear it wil

Jenna520

Jenna520

Reasoning for my absence

I appreciate the private messages and posts to my blogs wishing me well during my absence from the forum. I apologize for not giving a notice, but one morning I just woke up and told myself I needed to heal, and I needed to find myself, even if it meant staying away from the loving friends on here. See, I don't think I realized it at first, but blogging and posting about my problems, and reading other posts were aggravating my circumstances- among other things. I've tried to heal, it seems as

Jenna520

Jenna520

Hanging in There but It's a Long Road

The last few days have been terribly hectic and emotionally draining. I just wish that I could make my dad all better. He's still in the hospitial. They transferred him 50 miles away from my home to a bigger, more advanced hospital on Saturday. I stayed up there until late yesterday and had to come back home to do some laundry and spend some time with my children. Dad isn't doing good at all and is set for surgery to scrape his lungs tomorrow morning. I'm going to get some things done a

Jenna520

Jenna520

I've got to vent!

Yesterday was a hectic day.... the last three days have been hectic. Dad is still in critical condition. I've been driving to the farm to feed the animals every night, sitting with him some during the day, doing the laundry for them since mom is staying with him, taking care of the kids, and trying to run the household. I feel like I'm doing it all myself. I'm pissed with the doctor... had it not been for him sending dad home with fluid in his lungs TWICE, we wouldn't be in this positio

Jenna520

Jenna520

Feeling alone in this shell I have created

I have been distancing myself from everyone lately. I haven't had a lot to say but plenty has been circulating in this brain of mine. I've been out of the house twice since Christmas Eve, once to go to the doctor for a sinus infection, the second time was a trip to the grocery store. I always find an excuse as to why I'm living this reclusive lifestyle but the truth is, none of the excuses are legitimate reasons for building a wall between myself and the outside world. I've definitely thought

Jenna520

Jenna520

Seven Months

Today makes seven months since my brother passed away, and I'm no closer to healing than I was seven months ago. The wound is still as fresh, maybe more butchered than before. I feel like I've got wounds on top of wounds on my heart. Everything is snowballing at this point and it's making me more and more depressed. Is there a book somewhere that says 1 month= one year in grief years? So 7 months= 7 years in grief years. This is friggin worse than dog years. :confused I found out today

Jenna520

Jenna520

Worrying About Things

Looks like my dad's health is deteriorating again. He spent another day in the hospital due to his heart. He was running a fever so they wanted to make sure they hadn't caused an infection when they went in and did the heart cath. All that come back negative, so they did a flu test and various other tests which came back negative as well. While they were at it, they did a few heart tests and they said it hasn't gotten any better so far with the regimen of meds they put him on. That scares m

Jenna520

Jenna520

Just Not My Year

I've come to accept that this year has just been a flop for me, not my year at all. I know it could be worse, but the depression, scars, and anguish this years happenings have left behind are extreme. With Christmas approaching, I don't have the tree up, I have not one gift for my children, and no money. All of the organizations to recieve help to fund christmas are full. They have reached thier limit and are turning people away, have been since November. I'm a mess. I pray for a miracle

Jenna520

Jenna520

Realization

So, I haven't been back to therapy, went off the Risperidone due to the horrible side effects, and just trying to tough it out by keeping myself busy. I've made a huge discovery that should have been obvious all along. If the people around me doesn't respect me, how am I supposed to respect and feel good about how I am. I need to step up, put my foot down, and quit listening to the sarcastic remarks and criticism everyone seems to throw my way. I need to quit settling for less than what I

Jenna520

Jenna520

With Rain Comes Sadness.

A front has settled in over the state, been raining for atleast 24 hours now, and looks like it's not going anywhere soon. Flooding everywhere... feels like the tears I've cried in the last six months have harbored themselves in one place to show just how destructive they can be. Tomorrow is the 28th, six months since Charlie passed away. There's a heaviness in my heart words cannot describe. The same void is still there, an acceptance that he's gone but no peace. Why can't I move past th

Jenna520

Jenna520

Afraid to go to sleep.

After the wee morning hour dream I had this morning, I'm tired.... so tired.... but I'm afraid to close my eyes. Today has been hectic, one I don't really care to elaborate on. I long for peaceful sleep, but I fear closing my eyes. I feel like going to sleep is letting my guard down, which in turn makes me more vulnerable to the nasty blind sided attacks of PTSD. I hate it. My husband's gone, glad he can find time to go out and have fun when I haven't been out of the house in months

Jenna520

Jenna520

Starting New Projects

I'm trying like hell to keep my mind busy these days. The medicine failed, seeing a therapist has yet to help, my depression and anxiety is through the roof, I've gained ten pounds in two weeks, I'm wired and I need to keep myself busy. Usually creativity is not a struggle for me but I'm having a hard time thinking of a creative craft project to start. Maybe I just need motivation. I have some old wooden inside window shutter type things that I'm trying to work into a beautiful piece to go

Jenna520

Jenna520

Through the Fog

The Risperidone is out of my system, though I'm still adjusting to feeling the mental and emotional pain it had numbed for a while. When the feelings of grief came rushing back to haunt me, it was overwhelming. It made me physically sick. Though, I must say, I can't talk about Charlie just yet, but when I think of him, I'm not just bursting into tears constantly. It's a few days shy of six months since he's passed away. The hurt and deep pain that hurts me to my very core has done nothing b

Jenna520

Jenna520

Random Vent

My mind is going a thousand miles a minute. Hitting and missing, here and there, worrying about one thing, then the next. I know I'm emotionally overloaded. Too much has happened within the last six months to comprehend at this time. I thought about Charlie a lot today while waiting for dad to come out from having the heart cath. done. I felt anger again, for him leaving me here to cope with this alone. Now I feel guilty that such a thing ever crossed my mind. I was completely dist

Jenna520

Jenna520

Preparing to Weather the Storm

I have a birthday coming up on the 10th, and I fear that this will really be hard for me since there will be no card, no hug, no telephone call, to tell me "Happy Birthday, Sis!". From this point on up through New Years is going to be really hard for me seeing as how there will be many firsts without my brother. There is my birthday, my nephews birthday (whom I will not get to see), Thanksgiving, my daughter's birthday, Christmas, and New Years. I have to be twice as strong on Christmas becaus

Jenna520

Jenna520

Thinking Out Loud

I got my medicaid card through the mail, so today I'm calling my therapist. I've had just about all that I can take. I've been pushed to my limits. I feel like I'm losing it. Everywhere I look, I see my worthlessness. I feel like everyone else sees it too. My in-laws came up to visit yesterday. No warm greetings, no hug, not even a hello. I don't understand that. My husband has been giving me a lot of lip since he lost his job, and I can't help but wonder what he's said to them. Seems h

Jenna520

Jenna520

Learning to Accept That Which I Cannot Change....

My problem at last. Clear as it can be as it sits before my face in full view for the first time. I can't fix, erase, change things that has occurred. I can't change the fact Charlie is gone. I can't change the fact he didn't tell me he was struggling with addiction. I can't put on my cape and tights and save all those struggling with addiction with my super hero powers. I don't have the knowledge or the ability to get through. I have got to accept that now, or forever spend my life tryin

Jenna520

Jenna520

Adjusting

Here I am, once again, fighting with insomnia. I really believe the Prozac is helping me in so many ways, but it is wearing me out in others. I feel numb. Tired, but on edge, yet not quite. I'm not sure how to describe it exactly, but it's strange. I'm not sure if I should welcome the numbness from the pain, or worry about how numb it makes me towards other things. I feel like a zombie, but I'm not crying all the time. The flashbacks have stopped for now, or atleast for the last few days.

Jenna520

Jenna520

First anxiety attack in four days....

An hour ago, I experienced my first anxiety attack in four days, which almost a new record for me. I'm really starting to look at what triggers them, and I know that the last two have occurred in the laundry room. I know what triggered this one. I picked up a hooded sweatshirt that used to be my brothers and saw the paint stains on it. The first thing that I thought when I saw the stains, was how regardless what it was, he would provide for his family no matter how much he struggled, no matter

Jenna520

Jenna520

Can You Really Fight the trick mirror?

Having been diagnosed with depression for ten years now, but dealing with for more like 14 years, I've always tried to figure out how depression works. I guess I do that to find a way to fix myself. It's tiresome to deal with the mood swings, the mixed feelings, and not to mention the blows to my self esteem. I'm tired of second guessing what I see. It's like the mirrors at the fair, where you appear short and wide or tall and skinny,-the mirror distorts your image. As with depression, it dis

Jenna520

Jenna520

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