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Every once in a while something happens that makes me wonder if someone is watching out for me. I lost some stuff that I had been trying to get rid of, but was still holding onto because of my addiction. I don't know how long it's been gone because I only recently went to throw it out and found it was already taken care of. Anxiety has taken a step down since this happened.

Intrusive thoughts are overbearing but I still feel like they are just thoughts - I don't have to listen to them. Nonetheless it is good I don't have supplies for a hasty exit lying around. Suicide fantasies running through my head even though I always chicken out when it comes to making plans. Wish I could quit waffling on this question.

I feel like I am living for some level of moral achievement, that is I don't want to die until I've conquered my vices. Once I have, I will feel ready to go in peace. Ironically one of those vices seems to be indulging in morbid suicide fantasies. I wonder what it would be like to be free of that.


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