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Noisy thoughts, multiple trains of thought at the same time, some thoughts automatic, others just trying to make too many decisions at once. Some are fragmented, broken shards of a message from myself when I am clear headed. Can't quite remember.

Reading helps, so does music. Read a lot today. Feels like I'm going crazy. Nope, already there. Want to start smoking again. What is it about schizophrenics and smoking? Maybe they know something I don't. Slow suicide... am I dying already? Well, we all are, aren't we? Just want a crutch, something to lean on - but the crutch doesn't help the situation at all. Get high - now you're dumber and poorer but you still have the problem with less time to deal with it. Plus cravings for the next time.

Far better to address the cause of the stress than just the symptom. Ah but I don't know how to do the latter. Besides it's easier to say that when I don't have access to my real drug of choice.


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My ideas about the cause keep shifting, so that something that would make perfect sense to me now would seem silly tomorrow, and vise versa. The shifting is part of the problem though because it makes it hard to really try and solve anything when what I perceive as my needs and motivations is changing on a moment to moment basis. Probably just need to ride this out until I stabilize a bit.

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Yes, riding things out seems a good idea. You probably know my bias, though. Is the shifting and instability causing you stress in addition to being the product of it? I finally got some good help when I found a therapist who could help me understand the different, discordant aspects of myself. That might not apply to you, of course. Just a thought. I hate to read about you still suffering – although I would hate it worse if we didn’t have Mental Help Net to write to about it!!

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