Starting to think most of my depression is due to low self esteem. It would explain my behavior pretty well. It's true too. I dislike myself. I remind myself too much my of parents, with whom I didn't get along in the slightest. I settle for mediocrity when I can least afford to.

I think the cause of my low self esteem is a lack of self discipline. I don't do the things I know I should and then I end up regretting it. However instead of changing my behavior I beat myself up, as if that would solve anything. What it does lead to is a cycle of self hate.

Should be simple to choose to be disciplined then, but I'd be far down that path by now if it were so easy. Instead there is a "Bad" part of me that triggers depersonalization and/or derealization whenever I get close to figuring out how to be disciplined, almost as if I'm afraid of realizing who I really am. I get embarrassed when I do a good job.

If I could somehow integrate the "Bad" part with my good part, and along the way accept that I'm not a saint (moral perfectionism seems to be the hardest form of perfectionism for me to relax on) then I'd probably have a much easier time with reality. Might even be happy for a change.