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Bad person has taken over. . .


devils daughter

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At least for a while. Hopefully it will be a learning experience and quickly over.

Yesterday I went to my therapist and was trying to communicate how horrible a family situation was for me by demonstrating, letting a scared and horrified part of me take over. It wasn’t my therapist’s best day, perhaps, and she misunderstood some things, I think, and I ended up feeling rejected and demeaned – which are deep issues for me, still not yet resolved.

So here I am today feeling disoriented, seeing no point in living, and thinking/hearing horrible thoughts that my “bad person” has to say about the worthlessness of myself and anything I have tried to accomplish. There’s a cruel streak that runs in the women in my family and it cuts and attacks almost invisibly and is passed down through the generations only semi-consciously. I’ve worked very hard to try to be conscious of that part in me, to prevent it acting out, but it’s still there. The movie “The Help” showed it pretty well.

I am so damn tired of feeling bad and that I am bad. Ten f. . . g years. And I thought I had made so much progress. Probably have, only the nugget of demeanment had yet to be . . .dealt with? Seen? Resolved?

Right now it’s just being felt. Awful. Eternal. Forever.

I’ll tough it through – though there is no point. Maybe I’m wrong, though. If not, everybody can continue to scorn me tomorrow. And if/when I expect nothing better then I don’t feel hurt, either. Only then life sucks and what’s the point from that angle, too.

Personality disorders suck. You feel depressed, you behave and respond in ways that other people don’t understand, you don’t understand the ways other people behave and respond, and therapy is spotty at best. So why not just let us volunteer to be euthanized and make life better for everyone who wants to be here? I don’t want to be here, I’m dead weight contributing nothing to society, I don’t contribute anything to the lives of my adult children. I have tried. For 10 years I kept on being hopeful, that eventually I could get well and all would be OK. But it’s not working out like that.

Enough is enough is enough. I want out.

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hey.. Trust me, that was just a bad day! You are going to feel better, it might take couple days.

I know this feeling very well, you just wan't to disappear so badly. This feeling is goddamed strong, but not forever.

By the way where is that "bad person"?

I'm sure 100% your therapist understood you that day. He/she knows what personality disorders is, he or she knows you. They are professionals.

Hang in there!

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DD, I hope you can be gentle with you. It sounds as though your inner critic has been playing up. Mine does too still sometimes. Have you tried separating yourself from it so as not to take those words to heart?

Misunderstandings happen in all relationships from time to time. I'm sorry you felt demeaned and rejected. :( One way that therapy can be reparative is by working through such difficulties right within the relationship. Did you express to your therapist how you felt during the interactions? Hopefully working with this can be a learning experience that may even strengthen your relationship.

I am so damn tired of feeling bad and that I am bad. Ten f. . . g years. And I thought I had made so much progress. Probably have' date=' only the nugget of demeanment had yet to be . . .dealt with? Seen? Resolved?[/quote']

A bump on the path doesn't have to mean you aren't moving forward. I know it can be easy to find yourself falling back into a bad place and resuming old habits. Happens to me too at times and it can be very frustrating. This life work stuff can be so hard. :) It's good to express yourself.

I’m dead weight contributing nothing to society

I'm listening' date=' DD, though even in our limited interactions from online, I'd have to say this is a cognitive distortion. You contribute a great deal to our community here and I want you to know it is noticed and appreciated. You were being supportive to a member last night even when you were hurting yourself. I hope you can give yourself some credit. Thank you for your care and support of others who are hurting.

Can you challenge this thought? What are some qualities about yourself that you admire?

I have tried. For 10 years I kept on being hopeful' date=' that eventually I could get well and all would be OK. But it’s not working out like that.[/quote']

I hope you keep fighting the fight, DD. I understand that setbacks can be discouraging, but things can improve and you can get well.

I hope today is a bit brighter for you.

Take care.

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I ditto what IrmaJean said. I'm sure you have made progress over the last 10 years but right now you are not in a place to see that. Hang on, life can be cruel sometimes but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Thanks so much, medlem, IJ and . . . can I call you SB? It means a lot that you all would take the time to respond to my post. :o

Reason tells me that feeling the fullness of the “bad person” component, without staying stuck there, is important to “getting well”, whatever that may mean. But when feeling totally bad and awful it helps a lot for other people to disconfirm that opinion, at least somewhat. Thank you very, very much for helping me in that way.

I’m feeling somewhat less intense and completely “bad” today. So maybe the process is proceeding the way it needs to. It’s scary, not understanding myself like that. But I’ve been scared and confused in therapy before. I’m coming almost to expect it, or at least not to be too surprised about it, though I certainly don’t like it! :D

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DD, I like SB. I think that is a good short form of my name.

I am glad you are feeling a little better. Sometimes talking to others who have experienced the same feelings is helpful. I'm so happy this site is here for all of us.

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