At least for a while. Hopefully it will be a learning experience and quickly over.
Yesterday I went to my therapist and was trying to communicate how horrible a family situation was for me by demonstrating, letting a scared and horrified part of me take over. It wasn’t my therapist’s best day, perhaps, and she misunderstood some things, I think, and I ended up feeling rejected and demeaned – which are deep issues for me, still not yet resolved.
So here I am today feeling disoriented, seeing no point in living, and thinking/hearing horrible thoughts that my “bad person” has to say about the worthlessness of myself and anything I have tried to accomplish. There’s a cruel streak that runs in the women in my family and it cuts and attacks almost invisibly and is passed down through the generations only semi-consciously. I’ve worked very hard to try to be conscious of that part in me, to prevent it acting out, but it’s still there. The movie “The Help” showed it pretty well.
I am so damn tired of feeling bad and that I am bad. Ten f. . . g years. And I thought I had made so much progress. Probably have, only the nugget of demeanment had yet to be . . .dealt with? Seen? Resolved?
Right now it’s just being felt. Awful. Eternal. Forever.
I’ll tough it through – though there is no point. Maybe I’m wrong, though. If not, everybody can continue to scorn me tomorrow. And if/when I expect nothing better then I don’t feel hurt, either. Only then life sucks and what’s the point from that angle, too.
Personality disorders suck. You feel depressed, you behave and respond in ways that other people don’t understand, you don’t understand the ways other people behave and respond, and therapy is spotty at best. So why not just let us volunteer to be euthanized and make life better for everyone who wants to be here? I don’t want to be here, I’m dead weight contributing nothing to society, I don’t contribute anything to the lives of my adult children. I have tried. For 10 years I kept on being hopeful, that eventually I could get well and all would be OK. But it’s not working out like that.
Enough is enough is enough. I want out.