One benefit of my meds is they stop me from derealizing. I noticed this again lately since I am not used to reality feeling, you know, really real. I'm grateful for that.

But other things are coming through (thoughts, images) that I am not sure are real. I don't know if this is the result of my slip or if they were the cause. When I started drinking I liked the fact it made my mind quiet. Now and then my mind has been unquiet.

I don't know what they want from me but I am afraid of them. I try to sit with it and it's exhausting. Something is really bothering me but it only wants to come up at inopportune moments. I'm sleeping much more, and reading to escape.

Maybe I should just tear this band aid off, but something tells me I have a damn good reason for blocking this out. Some doors you close for a reason, and I've already gone through one door I wish I never had opened. Then again, what's the point of keeping it closed off it it's only going to seep in around the edges?