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Might as well be honest and admit that addiction is winning this round. Drinking got out of control on Sunday, mostly because I didn't feel like controlling my drinking. Strangely didn't have a panic attack or feel too guilty afterward, although I do feel a little weird for fighting so hard to be sober and just giving up like this.

Still hung over a little bit. Can't say I wouldn't loooove a few roxicet pills right now. Maybe more than a few. So I'm trying to be strong and not start putting feelers out for OC or H, but I wonder if I'm really being strong or just prolonging the inevitable. Of course it's not really inevitable but in my mind it feels 98% certain so am I really gaining anything by fighting?

Maybe it helps to extend the length between uses to fight it a little more each time. Or maybe eventually I will gain the upper hand and be able to stop this without cravings taking over my waking thoughts. I hope so, because right now I really want to stop fighting. I just don't see how to do that without giving up.


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My therapist says that it's incidents like these that lead to total relapse. As with giving up any sort of addiction, there are bumps on the road. As time goes on, these bumps occur less frequently, but there will always be some regardless. When someone has gone a long time clean of whatever habit/drug/etc he is trying to quit, but ends up falling into temptation, it oftentimes leads to totally giving up. It can make you feel like it was all for nothing. What's important is to just pick yourself right up off the ground and start fresh.

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I'm glad you're still giving this all a shot. It takes courage to slip and then bring yourself right back up. It doesn't need to be the end of the battle, but only a minor setback. Take care.

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