I went to an NA meeting today. Suggestion of my meditation instructor type person. I'm trying to be Buddhist and that means no drugs as that interferes with meditation practice. The meeting wasn't as bad as I feared it could be, in fact it felt almost welcoming. Still I am not sure if it's a cult or not.
I'm not entirely sure I have a problem. I keep using these pills so that's a problem, but once I'm out I'm out, right? Maybe. Hope so. Then again I haven't hit bottom or had any run ins with the law, broken relationships etc. I still get my stuff done responsibly and confine my use to times where it won't run in with my commitments. So do I really need help? Of course I am pretty shy about making commitments in the first place so that is a low bar. It's almost like my life is arranged perfectly to use in secret.
I don't want to use anymore though. I hate the way it makes me sick the next day, so why do I keep deciding to do it? The high isn't worth the crash, but I manage to forget that nine times out of ten. I think part of me must be hoping to die. The other part is struggling to live, but doesn't have any real reason. That's where the dual mind comes in. Sometimes I am operating in pro life mode, trying to do the right things to recover. Other times I do the opposite and find myself taking the same two steps forward followed by two steps back.