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Ralph

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I didn't use pills last night and I feel much better not having the comedown that I normally do on Saturdays. Still have some anxiety and a lot of depression, mainly because of social anxiety. I am isolated but I don't know how to change this. Sure go out and meet people. Easier said than done. My therapist wants me to take a class to have less isolation. Plus taking a class would help me cultivate an interest, something I am not having much success with so far. Doesn't that sound a little pathetic? I can't imagine how much crap I'd get from people at work if I admitted to doing something like this.

Then again people at work have their partners to go home to. I have to fly 28 hours to see mine. I'm so jealous of people who have their lives together. Mine is definitely not. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life. It has no point, no purpose except to spare my friends the pain of dealing with my suicide and my family the stigma.

I am at least exercising more. I set a goal of 3 times a week and I am able to meet this. Trying to do everyday didn't work out well so I had to dial it back to a level that I can handle. Damn meds helped me gain a good fifteen pounds when I was already a tad overweight so in total I've got 30 pounds to lose to be in the central range of a healthy height to weight ratio.

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I think when any of us are working toward healing, it can feel overwhelming to consider everything at once. Small steps forward are still steps forward and this is positive. I started working with my social anxiety challenges about 7 years ago and, though I did see some improvement quickly, becoming comfortable in social situations has been a slow process in general. It takes a lot of practice. You build some confidence little by little and things begin to get easier. I think that challenging yourself a little at a time and working up to placing yourself in more anxiety-provoking situations is okay if that works best for you.

Great news about the exercise. I hope you can give yourself some credit for your hard work.

Take care.

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Yeah I have been very overwhelmed lately. Guess I need to break things down a bit. I do give myself credit for accomplishments like meeting goals. I am practicing more with social situations but the anxiety comes and goes. For instance I was fine tonight going out to meet some people for dinner, but over the weekend I was afraid to even leave the house.

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