An Exercise in Deficiency
Entry posted by malign
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I've written recently about how my perception that I had deficits (not just flaws, but flaws that were unacceptable to me) and the defenses I built up so that I wouldn't have to perceive them have influenced my personality structure for most of my life. One of the perceived deficits was that I believed I "should" be skilled at fixing cars, as I believed other men to be (and a secondary deficit is the possibility that I may be more sexist than I would like.) Because I have been having car trouble lately, even though that hardly qualifies as mental illness-inducing, it has given me the chance to observe my own functioning in a way that might be interesting to others.
So, it's been burning oil at a fairly high rate. Most people would have taken it in to a mechanic to check on that, but mechanics have always made me uncomfortable. First, I feel like they know more than I do (not something I've ever enjoyed feeling.) Second, I then expect them to take advantage of their extra knowledge in some way. Rather than expecting them to be helpful and do their job fairly in exchange for the money I would pay them, my fears (part of my defensive coping) made me suspect that they might exaggerate the work needed or even sabotage things to generate more work. I had no actual experience of such maneuvers, but then, I told myself, how would I know? In other words, with my skewed world-view but without actual evidence, I went from seeing people as essentially helpful to assuming they were crooks.
Eventually, despite my attempts to keep the oil levels up, I began to hear a noise and feel some vibration that weren't there before. I knew I needed to take the car in. Still, my attempts were half-hearted. First, I used an internet form provided by one dealer's website to ask for an appointment, but it was never confirmed. I waited several days in the hopes that they would reply, because it would be easier to deal with it on the internet than by calling them. Then, I looked up a number of local dealerships of various brands, partly to find mechanics and partly to shop for a replacement. Unfortunately, when I gave up on the website, I didn't re-check my research. I ended up spending time to take my car to a dealership that only sold and serviced a different brand. My memory and thinking had been clouded by the overhanging reluctance to go at all.
Today, I took it to a dealership that services my brand, and I just heard back from them on the phone. The oil leak didn't even get checked very thoroughly, because of all the other things they found wrong with it. Of course, several of those issues affect the safety of driving the car. Even just the one or two most urgent problems would cost more than the residual value of the car.
It was interesting to observe my own reactions to this news. First, there was a concern that they might be trying to cheat me, but there's no more reason to believe that than there was before. Second, there was a feeling that I had failed, that my lack of automotive skill had one way or another caused the list of problems. But the car is getting old, and the bulk of the issues they found aren't really things I would expect anyone to have been able to prevent.
My current phase of processing is to work on contingency plans, such as how to buy a replacement car. It doesn't seem to make sense to put more money into this one, at this stage. And, with that more integrated viewpoint of the real situation, I also wanted to share my process with others. Who knows, maybe someone will see things that they do, and know that they're not alone.
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