As I was sending resume this morn, it sort of made me feel better about myself. That I could find the energy to do so, and not be too afraid...

I was crying again last night, over C_ again, reflecting on how so not assertive and having no freakin boundaries, and after reading how, you know, what is attractive to guys my age is a woman who is proactive and takes care of herself and gets things done. All area where I lack... I mean I am not that bad but, there is areas where I am not where I want to be.

I have started to understand, finally, what boundaries are! which is good. I am amazed that I was never able to feel confident enough to keep mine with people. Always bending over backward to fit to what I thought would be a good person in others eyes.

But this is only because I have realized very late what it was to be a good person. When I was a teen, I went through bouts where I was aggressive, sarcastic and I pushed people away a lot. But at other times, I was overly protective of the underdog [i am still doing that a bit] believing that these people needed my help and it made me feel stronger... I think it stemmed from not being appreciated fully by my mom who was always looking out for the well being of my little brother and telling me to be gentle with him and care for him. Meanwhile, who cared for me? I was extremely sad about that when I was a kid, and felt ashamed of my revolt at the mistreatment, on the one hand, on the part of my dad, and the semi-carelessness of my mom on the other. I was so trying to be a 'good kid', and I did protect my brother a lot, included him in my games with my friends, etc. But, what did it gave me? Nothing. In the sense that it perpetuate this idea that the only thing that I would have going for me is the fact that I protected the underdog.

But fact is that the underdog succeeded, and became a strong man, meanwhile, I remained stuck in my old ideas, and neglected taking care of my own thing, for the sake of being appreciated. Which never ever came!

It is not anyone's fault, except perhaps mine, if I only would have realized sooner, not to be the vengeant protector, not to be the underdog myself, not to seek approval, but to protect myself, to appreciate myself, to develop my own skills, to live fully, for myself.

Now, this is what I want to do. I am at a bit of a lost into determining how to do it, what is the level of discomfort I am supposed to be able to withstand in doing so, what kind of support I can expect from people around me.

I do want to help others, and will continue to do so. But I will do it from a stand point of comfort, not a need. And when I am not able to, I will not feel bad about myself. This is my hope, at least.

Right now, I have a problem being alone, and living alone mostly, as it seems to be difficult for me to motivate myself to do those little everyday task that need to be done. I am finding my own help... a therapist. And if push comes to shove, maybe I'll move in with roommates.

My short term and long terms goals [not in a particular order] are

-to get a carpentry trade,

-continue learning about pottery, sell my art

-buy a house,

-stop smoking

-find a job!

-pay bills on time

-be on time

-do physical activities 3 times a week

-embellish my apartment

-Eat well

-be there, in a reasonable way for my friends [meaning, being present at birthday, the sort of thing people do for their friends, but not go overboard and only do things for them!]

- take care of my physical appearance, while not going overboard [finding a balance there]

-working on people skills.

Al this to say that I want to become the person I now I am inside, I have the feeling I am much stronger than what I thought I was. I am more outgoing, friendly, efficient and optimistic than what I have restricted myself to in the past. I know this because I constantly oscillate between being down on myself and feeling strong...

I just need to define a balance where I am comfortable with who I set out to be, not being narcissistic and seeking approval from others, just being myself and doing the things that make ME happy.

thanks for reading