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Two months without so strong OCD,but it plays tricks with me now.I feel again confused and lost in these awful fears.I feel so ashemed of myself.Guilt hounds me and I cant escape.


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I had one of these thoughts that Im going to hurt someone and when my brother huged me for Christmas I felt so much guilt.He trust me and I feel like Im betraing him.I know that was just thought and Im trying to think logical,but I cant.

Last night was so hard.Im glad I didnt have lighter.I wanted so badly to burn myself.

I know how stupid looks everything.Im always so logical.How something like that can ruin all my logic

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I'd say that it looks sad, not stupid...

I imagine that it's hard to "follow the logic" in the moment when the obsessive thoughts come, but the rational thinking then may be an effective "weapon" against them and could attenuate them, you just need to know that you're not guilty and you won't hurt anybody. But I believe it's hard to learn :(...

Was it better today?

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Is there anything you've done that would be a proof that "people can't trust you"? Do people have a reason not to trust you? Or is it just about your insecurities, your fears "what you might do sometimes"?

Can you tell what may be hidden behind your fears/concerns? I mean... is it an anger toward your family's behaviour? Or can you find some more possible reasons of the presumed aggressiveness/aversion/... which may be "the core" behind the fantasies which scare you?

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Well Im not perfectly fine,but Im trying to use my logic when bad thoughts come in my mind.Its not easy and I feel like bastard sometimes.

I dont have "proof that people cant trust me.I always cared for them.I think so.But now Im not sure in anything.

Im sorry if what I said doesnt make sanse.

I didnt write so long,because I really felt Im wasting your time,but maybe its better to write.I dont know.

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You're not waisting anyone's time, A. I write when I choose to and I choose to because I want to ;).

I'm glad that you're trying and also succeeding - at least to some extent - to fight with your logic against your problems. You've cared for people, I'm sure in this ;). When we are, for instance, very angry about somebody, it doesn't mean we "stop caring". If we wouldn't care, btw, we probably even wouldn't be angry, as we would be rather indifferent (at least in some cases, when we are not very hurt ourselves by the person). So, for instance, you may be angry at your parents that they fight - it's not only because it would be much better for you not to have to listen to them, but also because you'd like them to be happy and not always hurting themselves by their words. Am I right?

Do you have exams these weeks? How is is going?

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Yes I have a lot exams these weeks.But they keep my mind busy so I dont have time to think about problems.Im little afraid,because I dont think I will pass all exams,but I always loved science .Everything is logical and feelings arent so important.

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It's great that you can keep your mind busy with science! :)

I was very scared in my 1st year at the university that I wouldn't pass the exams (mainly physics scared me, but all 3 semesters were finally OK - and very interesting), but I passed them all with good results. So... our fears are not always so "grounded" and/or influential ;). But even if you didn't pass some exams, there should be the possibility to pass them later (?), so you wouldn't have to worry "too much". What's the most important, at least in my eyes, is that you love science!

Good luck!

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Well Im doing fine,Lala.Im just tired after my exams.Its still hard to live with my family,but I find some people in university and I can talk with them about things I like. :) I was free from OCD last month.Now it is here again,but its not so strong and I hope it wont get worse.

Thank you so much for not forgetting about me

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