I spent a few days again with my best friend R and her boyfriend, and I noticed a few things.

First, I have difficulty liking him now and I think I know several reason why. But it is incredibly interesting as somethings that I do not like in him, I feel like I behave somewhat similarly in love, in life.

Poor ol D is very 'in love' with my friend. Sometimes, I feel like it's close to worship. She is a confident woman, she does what she has to do to meet her goals, her day to day things to do...She has to turn him down when he want to see her sometimes, because she has to do her things, and she doesn't fear, or think 'if I say no, I might lose him'. How strange this is too me, but at the same time, I want to be like that too. Now, maybe she has no fear because he is so attached to her. Maybe she wouldn't be like that if he was all independent, who knows. Well, actually I WANT TO KNOW!

Anyway, a lot of the times, he is unhappy, insecure. My friend R is a beautiful woman, sure, she has a lot of man friends [heck she works in a male dominated industry, it's bound to happen], and of course, she has an ex-lover who treated her like crap but now that he sees she has a bf, he's all after her again.

Anyway, I know she would not cheat on D, and doesn't do anything to make him jealous... He is very loving, sure, but at the same time, he is dependent on her a bit, and also, he doesn't do much to help himself... She referred him for jobs, that he has barely done anything about, she pays for him all the time... His place is a utter mess, he drinks, etc. And he is very jealous, and pouts a lot when R talks to or about other guys, not that she demonstrate ANY romantic interest in them in her speech or gesture. D always wants to know 'who's that guy, why are they friends, etc.

Oh my, it is very distressing to me for two reasons: 1] I see myself in D's behavior! The 'you don't love me enough' kind of speech and behavior. 2] I find his ways to be so annoying and unappealing! It makes me instantly think: "no wonder I can't keep a guy!" Not only that but also the negativity about his situation [no job], the helplessness or laziness [place is a mess...], always looking for attention [look at me, I make funny jokes, I laugh louder than you, I can sing, I can dance, I can...]. Ughhh.

It makes me feel uncomfortable about myself as I identify myself with how he is. And it makes me want to change my behavior urgently, but yet, it doesn't change that much. Yes I have found a job, but there is so much more that need to be reformed! How do you acquire that confidence that makes you look inside more than out for your own approval, that makes you feel comfortable like you are OK as is, like you don't have to be better, like you don't have to prove anything, imitate anyone, fantasize about some sort of success... I want to make it stop. These old patterns that seem so comforting and 'effective' in making me safe, making me 'worthwhile'. Isn't it so ironic that when you try so hard, you end up in the opposite direction than where you wanted to be heading? For approval... By seeking it constantly, by looking for direct reassurance from others, you end up pushing them away, repulsing them? Well, they say that often when you don't like someone, it is because you see in them what you don't like in you... That is certainly true in this case for me!

And, also, I was looking at some photos of my friend B who strangely looks like my recent 'ex'. I personally find him attractive and all, but regardless. In these photos, he is with his new girlfriend. She is average looking, but they have a lot in common, and I am sure she is a wonderful person. But, again, him and I have much in common too, but the difference is that I always thought he was too handsome for me, too 'accomplished', too on the ball! And I always refrained from making a move with him. And frankly, I felt the same way about this recent guy I was seeing: "C".

I want to take note of this for the future. I know now that I have written myself off right of the bat because I thought I wasn't good enough. I have felt uncomfortable about my looks, about who I was, how I danced, how I laughed, my job, my clothes, so many things! And I have also tried so much to change to try and appeal to this guy, and that guy. Wow!

The thing is, not only it will not improve my chances with these guys [it hasn't]. But also, it just ended up making me feel so confused about who I am really. And unhappy.

So much wasted time on wanting to please. Wasted hours by the phone or agonizing over rejection, or possible rejection. Sigh!

I want to change.