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I feel so little


tourdelove

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Oh man. He was there. C_ was there. At the bike ride. f&()(*(&^(*^. After the ride there was beers and he was there. And I hear him talking to some girl who was somewhat pretty. He was like "look at you all good looking or something" and then I felt so little and I was acting like I didn't see him the whole time. I felt so hurt. Now I am crying like a little baby. My room mate is saying: F him, just move on. Do your thing.

But I am just here. wallowing in my hurt. Thinking of what it could have been. How I wanted to be with him so much. I want to move on but somehow I just think of him.

The whole time I felt so uncomfortable and distracted. I was talking to others but had not much interest. I felt like I was boring. Like all my friends were boring. All the new people I talked to were boring. F(*&(*&(&!

What is this? It's nothing. there's nothing left. there was never anything. But here I am fantasizing. And it feels like a knife through my heart. I don't want to be like this. I want to be strong. Have a clear mind. Yet I am like this.

I am not boring, but I am not what he wants. And somehow this is what I focus on. For the love! Why?

I dont know what to do now. All my good ideas are gone out the window. I want to change my mind. So distressed.

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Doh.

Well, you could look at it as a test of how far you've come. Okay, it triggered you. But you're able to say that you're not boring, that you know you're lying to yourself.

Now you just have to figure out why.

You say it made you feel "little". Do you mean younger? Can you guess what age? Maybe something happened to you at that age that's relevant. Does he remind you of someone, particularly someone from your childhood?

I don't know; does it help to realize that if he hadn't been there, you would have said the same things and not thought them boring? You're right: you're fantasizing, and if there's a knife in your heart, it's you putting it there.

But don't be so hard on yourself. I don't think you need more "strength"; that'll just make you stab yourself harder. Compassion for yourself, maybe? If you can let it go, maybe it will have less power over you.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

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thanks M

Yah, I don't know who he makes me think of. But it is surely someone I can't get love from, someone I cant get attention or affection from. someone who is not mean but somehow disapproves of me in subtle ways. Maybe my mom??? :0

The age? maybe twelve?

It is such a weird thing. unsettling.

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Well, I lost my original reply, here's version 2.0.

The unsettling things are usually the important ones, so it's good that you found one.

What struck me, and it's a good thing, is that virtually none of your response was caused by him. He was there, and you were aware of that, but it wasn't something good he said, or something bad he said, or anything at all that he did. The whole process happened inside of you.

What that means is that it's something you could control. All you have to do is figure out how. I know, that might seem like the hard part. But at least, looking at it like this might give you some hope, that it's something you can change, because it's in you.

Again, the thought process you went through that ended with "I'm boring" would be worth examining, using this Cognitive Behavioral therapy. I think you've already started, since you say you know that you're not. It might be worthwhile looking at what you meant by "someone who ... disapproves of me in subtle ways", because a voice telling you that you're boring isn't being subtle.

Don't lose heart. From the amount of energy that I've seen you put into this already, I'm willing to bet that you can beat it.

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You offer some good insights. Ya, he didn't say anything too mean. He just was cold. Comprehensibly as he doesn't want to get me back! After the ride, which is a bit on the race pace, I went back for the little gathering and I my face was red I guess. He said: "you're face is all red, huffing and puffing huh?" in kind of a smirky way. I just said: "oh, ya, you know..."and walked away. But I was dishearten. He's very fit himself, and he knows I smoke, and he hates smoking. It's almost as if he just sees what's wrong with me. And I find it extremely difficult at the moment to assert myself or just let go. I just feel disrespected. My brain races and goes through all the things he said to me that were, again like a subtle disapprovement. Like when he was: "are you done painting your apartment yet. I'll buy you some paint, jeez. Ha!" or "you should get another chair so someone else can sit in your place..." or "you're bike is all clean, do you ride that thing sometimes?" or "I don't get you sometimes"... My brain wants to know why, and what those things meant, but there is no point really.

The chance to assert myself, in a non passive/aggressive, or mean bitchy way with him is gone. But still, my brain goes over and over again, trying to show him I am not a loser.

I tried to go to therapy today but, my therapist appears to have no time for me. She canceled for the second week in a row and reported our meeting to may 8. I want to work on this. And it makes it difficult as there is 2 other therapist in town, one that I am not sure if I'll like. The other one, I liked. She was my previous therapist, but, I find she is so nurturing and listen to me rambling and crying so much that it ends up not advancing the therapy very much.

The boring thing. Ya, that is an impression I get from him as he wasn't interested in much I did. And when we were together, we just ended up only watching a movie, and not talking much... And it's my brain going: but it's not what you think! I am not boring. You just don't know me yet! But, in reality, because I wanted to please him, I tried to pick things that he might like... anyway. Here's my 'dependent personality' just going trough the motions.

So, again, I will do as much as I can on my own. Try and find, yet a new AVAILABLE therapist.

Malign, you are helping me see through my brain's bullcrap, thank you so much.

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Well, you give a more detailed picture of how he treats you, here. Doesn't sound like he has anything positive to say to you, just nit-picks. Is there any chance that that is the attraction?

Because my response to someone teasing me about being all red in the face would probably be "Ya, bite me," at least internally. It's okay, you're allowed to think it. ;-)

Of course, I might have to think it, because after a 100 (k or mile?) bike-ride, I'd be too busy breathing to speak.

I think you're trying to show you that you're not a loser.

The rest of us already know.

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hmmm, 'is there any chance that, this is the attraction?'. Wow, Ya, I've pondered on that before. And it's a mix of things that I need to check out.

On the one hand, the attraction is that, of course he is somewhat of a good looking guy, I mean if you like more hair on the back then on the head. Ohhhh, here's my getting back at him :P but, also, he's got his trade, he's healthy, eats well, wants to get married, he's generous with his money, is into hiking and biking, he's clean cut, his place is well kept, his truck is well kept... To me it's signs he's got his stuff together, I guess. and that is attractive to me. What really attracted me though was that he is funny, confident, doesn't show off, even though he could. All stuff that I want for myself!

Ya, it's really that. I want to show myself I am not a loser,cus I am so not convinced!

As far as good funny replies, I love the "bite me"! Should have thought of it. Once, he's told me I was a freak! Jokingly I guess. but still. Only after, I thought of this reply: "takes one to know one!"

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Yeah, he sounds great (even the hair thing; sadly, I have the same pattern) except that he's mean to you! :-) Sorry, just needed to be said.

You're welcome to use "bite me" whenever you need to, copyright-free. It's a great ice-breaker at parties.

Have fun kayaking. I took some white-water canoeing lessons in the Potomac river, near here, and I tried kayaking once. Let's just say I bailed out more than I rolled.

I eventually decided that it's a lot like working in a record store (okay, do they even call them that any more?): I'm not cool enough, and I can live with that.

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ya, I will. Ya, eskimo rolls are quite essential. Thanks for letting me use bite me free of charge :P ah! As an ice breaker hey? I think I'll try that!

I know. he's mean! WTF hey? Why? Thing is, I want a guy like him again, but not mean! I've dated a guy for a lllllong time that didn't do it for me because he was kind of lazy, not confident, didn't want to get married, not that attractive to me... Why? because he was nice and affectionate but Was also quite content living off my back for too long! Sigh, now I want more dammit! But how can I find that confidence that will help me not totally lose myself in these types of guys that are actual keepers, attractive [to me], I don't mean gorgeous, or into themselves... And nice... I feel like I've often gone for the underachievers or underdogs, sure they were nice, but even that wears off after a while. Where's the balance? The self confidence not to write myself off right of the bat... anywayyyyyyyy.

Hve a wonderful weekend too M!!!

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