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10 Moments. In the name of the father, and the mother


tourdelove

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This one is moment number SEVEN. For some reason, I think number seven is my lucky number. This may be the key to most of my issues? Ah!

This one will pack several events that I do not remember, but were related to me. I never felt like they were significant, but my T seems to think so. I told her about these, and she was looking like she found the grail. But to me, miss skepticality, I was like 'hello mombo-jumbo'. Maybe she knows something that I don't. but unfortunately or fortunately, she'll have to 'prove' to me that it does make an impact on my life. I mean scientifically. So that my brain will be convinced that there is in fact a therapeutic value and it's not wasting it's time on woo-woo stuff.

So, here goes.

My father really feels guilty about how he treated me, us kids, but I feel like he's still holding on to the insignificant to avoid getting into the real juicy stuff. Perhaps I do it to in a way because, when I did my list of '10 things', none of the somewhat brutal events, maybe except one, popped instantly in my brain. You know, like the push down the stairs, the yelling so load at me spit covers my face as if he had rabies, like dragging me by the arm, kicks, slaps, fake slaps, name calling, etc. I guess they happen almost everyday so that would be a million events wouldn't it.

With mom, it was more subtle. I never realized that she somehow gave me less attention, like a lost case or something, then my bro, until my two therapist pointed it out. I still kind of refuse to believe it in a way, because there seems to be a lot of instance where she did care for me. And her love is apparent. And I have always held my mom in high respect, say admiration? Pedestal almost. I have lowered her pedestal a bit in my first round of therapy, but there's still some work to do. I guess I resist doing it so much because I am so attached to her approval, her advices, her love.

So, event A]

this one is constantly brought up by my dad, whenever we converse and wonder into the past hurts. He says "is it because of this event ___ that you feel hurt?" :) Ya dad. It's all because of this ONE thing.

When I was a baby of say, 6 months or whatever, my mom left for the afternoon one day, leaving my dad to take care of me. But, he didn't really know what a baby needed I suppose. And he though, well might as well do the things I need to do at the same time. Like "kill" two birds with one stone Ah! The baby is sleeping anyway. And my wife will be impressed by how productive I was while she was away!

So, he started to cut some wood with the skill saw, to finish up some project in the house. He had me in my baby chair, in the garage with him while he was working. Needless to say that the raging sound of the saw freaked me out and I started crying very loudly. So, he kind of freaked out and I guess consoled me a bit, and when I seemed ok, he decided to put me in the tiny bathroom that was next to the garage, and close the door, so that I wouldn't hear the saw so loud.

Well, that didn't work out so good apparently as when he came back to fetch me, I don't know how long after, I was red in the face, crying so intensely that I had a hard time breathing... I don't know if he ever told my mom about this one. But he sure likes to bring it up with me.

To me, it just shows how much he lacks a lot of skills in regards to raising children, and his inability to assess how his behavior might be hurtful. He is so caught up in his own childlike insecurities, like 'I will show my wife how productive I am, how good I am', that he is incapable of focusing on others' needs. In all the instances he showed a lack of care, or was violent, it all comes back to the fact that he feels like the victim, like we [as kids even] were out to punish him brutally, by pointing out his inadequacies. And so, he reacted to protect himself, violently, I supposed with as much force he thought was necessary to fight back the pain he felt when he thought we were judging him. And I did judge him!

Event B]

Also an event related by my mom, and that I remember vaguely, but she brings it up sometimes, mostly when we are looking at my art, and my brother is there too. She related it as if it was a funny event, which it is in a way, but it's also sad, I find. And it both makes my bro and I uncomfortable when she does. It's like she's stuck in a loop in her old age.

When I was really young. Maybe 5, I drew all the time. I liked it very much, and apparently I was pretty skilled at it for a little kid. I drew elaborate scenes, full of colour and meaning and...whatever. Anyway, the story goes that I had finished my drawing and wanted to show it to mom. I was really proud of myself and I wanted to tell her the story of my drawing and I wanted her to ask questions about my story, say the things parent say, you know 'wow! how beautiful, and what is this on your drawing here? And how about that..."

Meanwhile my brother of 3-4 years old had finished his own 5th masterpiece or so, to show my mom again. and she had taken him onto her lap, in the rocking chair. It was all about this one line he had drawn onto the page. My mom was listening as attentively as she could, considering I was also standing by the chair, trying to get her attention. Mom said that every time she'd turn her head towards me, my brother would turn it back with his little hand, to look at his own drawing and continue on with his elaborate story. After what seems like an eternity to me, she finally turned her attention to me for a few seconds, with my brother still on her lap. I didn't say anything, as I wasn't yet sitting in the coveted rocking chair with mom. I just handed her the drawing, which she looked at saying 'oh! nice!' and then carried on with my little brother.

I am sure what I truly wanted is attention. I am sure I thought 'if I draw this very good drawing, it will finally give me the attention that I am looking for' As, well, this is still how I operate. Ah.

I am so evolved and mature, aren't I?

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I dunno, your ability to understand your dad sounds pretty evolved, to me. We all have these throwback things. For instance, I still have to resist an urge to be a know-it-all, because that was the only way I could compete with my younger brother, who was always bigger than I was (well, ever since about 3 or 4.)

I think you have a better grip on a lot of your developmental stuff than most people I know, even the "normal" ones. ;-)

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Well, I mean, as star said one time, I may 'understand' but it doesn't seem to propel me out of this mud. Seems like I am still spinning my wheels a lot sometimes! But thanks for the compliment :) I take it!

Ya, I have always felt in competition with my brother as well. I love him and respect him a lot, and I don't think he feels in competition with me at all! It's just me feeling like I didn't live up to the parents, mostly mom's 'expectations'. I know I'll eventually work this out. I have done a lot of improvement, but I know I am not out of the tunnel yet.

Can you see how I resemble my dad in a way? i have this thing about wanting to live up to what I think are other's expectations, wanting to impress than to get the love I lack?

Sigh. I hate the fact that I resemble him. Heck, I even look like him physically apparently. Not that he's a bad looking fellow, but it's just ironic. My brother as more physical traits of my moms side.

:)

T

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Normal is a state of mind. So you're absolutely right.

I look very much like my dad. Short, stocky, glasses. He smoked throughout my childhood, and averaged a six-pack of beer a night. I've had a mustache since junior year of high school, because he's always been clean-shaven. I've never smoked, and my wife had to urge me to take my first drink of wine, for some reason of her own. Otherwise, I've never had alcohol. Can you say "reaction formation"? I can. This is a complicated way of saying, I hate that I might resemble him, so much that I limit my own life severely to prevent it as much as I can. Of course, while all the time loving him ...

I would gladly give you a mud propulsion system, if I had one, much less an extra one.

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HEY GUYS, you know, I think that by the sheer fact that you know that you don't want to be the type of person your fathers were, that that says something about you, that who you are is already defined, you don't have to worry so much about it, you know you're already decent people, actually much more than decent!

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Yup, it's kinda similar to what we were talking about earlier. There's fear. It doesn't mean the fear is justified, but it's there anyway. And it's easier for other people to see when the fear's unjustified. And what matters is how you live, despite the fears.

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