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Trust and other old patterns


tourdelove

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I spent the whole evening biking with 2 of the guys at work. It was pretty fun except for the fact that I 'biked'n hiked' the majority of the downhill... but they still invited me to go again on Friday. And I had a good discussion with one of the guys about our foreman who seems to be an a*hole on the outside, but I get the feeling now that he isn't. He's just being a 'Nails' [his nickname].

This made me realize that I still do have trust issues. Especially with bosses [authority figure hoooo]. I still think that some people our out to get me sometimes! And I think it may have contributed to destroying relationships that could otherwise have been good.

Of course I do have, hum, a vague idea of where this all stems from... but it's something to work on. It is pretty pernicious with me. I don't necessarily see it before it's too late. In this case though, I am fortunate enough that it is not too late, so I will do something about it.

It is so important to have a good relation with your boss. I mean, duh, it help a lot. For example, this guy I was talking with is a really good finishing carpenter, but has no experience framing. Nails had said that the company wanted to send him to this other site for finishing while the rest of the crew [hopefully me too!!!] were going to the new site. But he discussed it with him and Nails is going to vouch for him and send him to the new site as he really wants to learn framing.

In other news, there is something else that keeps on coming back lately in my head... Old recording that I was discussing with Star and Malign. This time it's two of them and they are pretty harsh:

'I hate my life' and 'I hate you'!?

The reality is that I don't hate my life. Not at all! And I don't hate 'you', whoever 'you' is?! I am pretty sure 'you', when this pops in my mind is 'I hate me'.... Anyway, I told my T as well, and she said that it is probably transference [might not be the word she used] from my dad.

I thought about it for a little bit and,ya, it is, I am pretty sure. He 'hated his life' and hated himself. How strange and twisted. It is pretty disturbing to me that it comes to me when I feel a bit anxious.

But now that this new, possibly very accurate info as come, I can put that in my back pocket to attack these thoughts. Attack it now while I am in a good place and things are pretty good in my life, so that when I do feel things are not going well, I can not be immobilized by these crippling thoughts.

The truth is things change and get better eventually, all the time! It's just a fact. But they do get better much faster if you take actions to correct your course. If you are stuck with global and catastrophe style thinking and affirmations that things are globally bad, it's that much harder to see the light. See solutions, try something to get unstuck and have faith, in you, and in the world around you.

Have a great day folks!

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