Alcohol, yes. And some drugs. Like a lot of folks out there, I have started fairly early. Say 15. At that time though, all around me, everybody was getting high and drunk. A lot. Comparatively, I was pretty tame. I was the girl taken the friends home safely. I was the girl not so comfortable getting high. And I am still that girl.
But, Recently. I went to changes that were big. Seemed manageable, but were hard. I feel that I just let things happen to me in a way, especially about work situations... Anyway.
So. two years ago. I left my boyfriend of long. At the same time, work was extremely crappy. Too much stress for me, and a lot of resentment because I felt that I wasn't being recognized... But I felt like there was no where for me to go. My career was over. But I stayed there until it was so bad, my resentment started to show. I felt I had nowhere to go and put off making a decision... Which really affected my mental state.
One night, It was a guy who I really liked's birthday. He was pretty much an arse to me, but I wouldn't see it... I get I just wanted to be with someone...He was not interested. but, that night, he still payed me too many drinks. I blacked out.
I got so drunk, my friend Ben tried to get me home, but I refused [?]. I didn't realized how drunk I was. The guy I liked, of course left, without taking care of me. I was alone, with this other, fat, scheming guy.
Anyway. He actually rented a room in the hotel the bar we were having drinks at. For the sole purpose, I know, to have me. He faked took care of me while I was puking [jeez, how disgusting], and then brought me to his room.
He tried to kiss me, to undress me. I just fought in all my drunkenness. and when I was a little more sober, left. Scared, but too drunk to realize the gravity of the event. I just remember fighting for it. It was dawn when I ran to return to my car. Sad and numb. I slept there a while. Till seven. Until I was sober. I drove home with a huge hangover. At home, I decided to go to bed again for a little bit. I knew I worked at 9h am, but I thought I put on my alarm right. I didn't. I slept in till 9:30. Got to work by 10 am.
That day. I knew every little bit of my old life had come to an alt. I knew, somehow, what was going to happen next. That night, I was working late, overtime. Of course, I was in such a bad place at work that I accepted.
So I wrote a letter of resignation that night. Handed it in the next day. Numb, ashamed, but sort of relieved. I knew I'd made an extreme fool of myself there for a while and this was just the end of it. I went into the big boss's office. She never had time for me in the past two years. But I said, no, I really need to talk to you. I handed my resignation. She said 'wow. that's pretty ballsy!' But I knew she didn't want me there anymore.
1. Where are you at this moment
in my boss's office.
2. How old are you and what do you look like?
34. I look ashamed. defeated, but trying to hold it together and look strong.
3. Who is there with you, or supposed to be there with you?
4. What is happening that makes this moment so significant?
I quit my job from a point of shame rather than a point of power. I waited and put off what I was afraid of so bad, that in the end, it turned against me.
5. What emotions or change of emotions are you experiencing at this time?
Shame. Bitterness. Hopelessness.
6. How would you change this situation if you could?
I would have found an alternative before, like two years before! Realize it wasn't working out for me anymore and quit before being so bitter and passive-aggressive, and before I was so out of touch with my feelings that I got drunk. Realize that, sure, this was a career, but it wasn't over. That I had choices. It wasn't hopeless, and I was a good worker. Be more in touch with my stress and feelings.
7. What is your mental/physical experience?
Numbness. So tired. giving up. Hopeless.
8. If you could speak to someone at this moment, who would it be? What would you say?
My Boss: I know I have made a fool of myself. I have been to an incredibly hard time here, and avoided my feelings and this is why it got so bad. I felt trapped. With my relationship and with this job. I felt unrecognized and didn't understand this work anymore. I should have quit two years ago. I don't hate you, but I do feel that you don't understand me and I am sad that you refused to let me be a true part of your team. I know I could have been a great resource to you, truly.
9. What are you saying to yourself?
I am a bad person. I am out of control and can't figure out what they want from me. I can't see a way out in humility. I am hopeless and broken. I don't fit in and never will. I am scared to death.
1. How do you feel now?
Bitter. Ashamed. Defeated.
2. What emotions are you now having?
3.What are you telling yourself about these events today?
It could have been so much different if I would have not been so afraid to acknowledge what my own needs were and that they weren't being met and it was ok. That I could have found solutions. It wasn't hopeless even though I had to quit. I was too concerned with what others would think that I was completely paralized and it made me sick.
4. What power and self-determination did you lose or gain to this event? What did you learn?
I lost the power to face my problems and deepest fear when they arose. I waited and waited, hoping that the situation would change by some miracle that didn't have to do with my doing. I try instead to avoid my feelings and got deeper into mud. But I learned that nothing is ever hopeless. Even if a situation is really scary. There is still something I can do. I just need to take a decision, rather than wait that something happens.