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A strange "meh" feeling


tourdelove

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well, we had another date Thursday night. I met him at his place and we took his motorbike that I like. It was my first time on a bike. I was a bit scared. I told him. So he was gentle and rode slowly. I really liked it.

At the lil pub, we had wings and beer. We talked. He told me again, in more details, how when he was a kid. His mom beat him up. He asked if I had ever been beaten up. I hesitated to talk. But I did. He said it was a lot more than he wanted to reveal to me at this point. I understand. As it did in fact kind of put me on my guards. It's not that he has a past per se. I do understand. I mean, to me it just seem that much harder when it is your mom beating you. Especially as a boy.

Then, I don't know why but we came onto the subject of past girlfriend/boyfriends. He said that all his past girlfriend had been extremely jealous. And that he was the one that ended all, except one relationship. He said, it was weird in a way, because he never even thought of cheating on any of them. I do believe him. I asked him: "why then did you go out with them than?" He said: "I guess you attract the same people over and over when you are in a certain frame of mind, and then my frame of mind changed, and so, it seems I don't attract this anymore". Fair enough.

Yesterday, I went to watch UFC with him and a bunch of his friends. Then we came back to my place. All is good. Today, he's going on a 'cruise' with, wait for it, wait for it... Andrea...and other friends. I was a bit upset to learned this but. whatever. I asked him how he knew her. He said through some friends, that he just met her...and she seemed 'fine' and nice. Asked how he got to go on a cruise and all... he didn't really answer. whatever.

Now today, it seems it doesn't really bother me that he's going to see her. I just have a strange feeling of not really caring if our thing works out or not. He's nice and all but, are we really a good match? I would like to spend a day with him as opposed to night. Go hiking or something. I don't know.

And where am I going with my 'life' is the underlying feeling I have right now.

I feel that there's something missing. Like my ducks are not thoroughly lined up. I feel it's true that you attract certain people as opposed to others because of a state of mind or the way your life is. My life doesn't seem to reflect entirely who I am right now I find. I don't expect to have every aspect of my life shaped like a cement block. But a little more clarity would be nice.

I wonder, for instance, if it is important to have a lot of activities in common. If it is important that intellects should be matched. I know similar values are important...

I feel sometimes that the guy who matches me most in most areas is Mark, my roommate. But we aren't attracted to each other. So weird.

Anyway. I'll have to get back to this cus I don't know where I am going with these strange thoughts that are entering my concsiousness right now.

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I know what your problem is, now: you're obsessed with waterfowl! :-)

Ha, sorry. My impressions, totally unsolicited, as they are:

A guy who rides a motorcycle could go two ways if a girl tells him it scares her. He could show off, or he could be gentle. I don't know that many motorcyclists, but my assumption is, the former is way more common (especially if it's one of those new Ninja-style bikes). So he's not like that, at least.

The discussion about jealous ex-girlfriends sounds more reassuring, to me. I think he's sending a signal that he doesn't date lots of different people (at the same time, at least), otherwise the past jealousy would have been justified.

If you'd rather spend a day with him, why not suggest it?

And if you're not sure you're really interested at all, why worry? :-)

Really, from my history, you know I have no clue as to what's really important in a long-term relationship. I only have what I feel, that it's not like comparison-shopping. So, maybe that makes me impulsive. Hell, maybe it makes me old-fashioned; it wouldn't be the only thing.

But another thing that being old (don't deny it) gives me, and that's a reduced amount of fear about how things will turn out. Because seriously, life always turns out the same way. It's what you do with it before that that matters.

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Ah! I so respect the humourous words! Puts an unwelcomed smile on my face. It's like opening the front door and suddenly, a cute stray cat would rush in your place. At first you chase the cat around to kick him out, but then it purrs when you catch it and you're like, what the heck, I'll just feed it and keep it... Ah-ah! See, now no waterfowls, cats now.

Yeah, I am a bit obsesses with ducks for sure. It's just that several times, people around me, including Y, told me things that just confirms my thoughts, that, you attract certain types of people when you are in a certain frame of mind...

I am just worried that I am good at first impressions. Meaning, I can attract what I want still, to a certain extent...But, after a little while, the person realises that I don't really have my sh* together and then leaves. And the rejection really hurts and creates obsession about the person... [like with C].

Yah, he's not your usual mechanic... His hands are clean, his shop is clean... and he can ride his motorbike slowly, although I've seen him drive very fast... He's not the macho type. Although he's told me about three times now that his boxing coach matched him with his top guy in his class... blabla... And he's all proud that he broke ribs in a boxing match... it's cute I find. He's not a big muscly guy. I think he wants to make sure I know he's manly. But to me, the analizer, I think 'oh good, you channel your past hurt and anger in boxing'...

As per the jealous discussion, I think he's trying to tell me he needs his space. And not to question his word. I do trust him. And I think also, he is shopping. Maybe it just so happen that there was two girls interested at once. I think that he's all happy and shocked at the same time and want to take advantage of this good feeling as he's also told me that he's always been to shy before and 'missed many opportunities' he said. So now that he approached two girls and they are both intersted, he wants to good feeling of that situation to keep on giving. I feel like that lack of self confidencea may create a problem. I mean, for instance, last year I dated a guy that I liked for years, but we were both in relationships... He was a somewhat good looking mountain guide, blabla... [sounds really appealing], but also had a f up past [with a mean mom as well!!!!!! alert, alert]... and he had a lot of self esteem problems, as I later found out.... and it pushed him to constantly flirt, in my face even! I was so hurt for a while, but then I put 2 and 2 together: he still needs that attention from women to confirm to himself that he's worthwhile...

This is why it puts me on my guard this time. It's like Y just overcame his past insecurities enough that now he's going the other way. I feel that it is sometimes worse when it's not so flagrant. He still flirts, not so overtly, but asks to be trusted. And he also tries to test my jealousy level too! When we were at the UFC thing, there was a girl there who was really cute, one of his friends, and he teased her a couple of times in my face... I know this because he looked at me furtively right after. That doesn't bother me too too much... It's just the quantity of that. After a while it always annoys me. I dont want this game. My friend R and her bf have been playing this game for the past three months now and it's so painful.

I guess I never really was confronted with this type of thing. I think... My ex never wanted 'space'... He started flirting, sure, but after we were years together. Same thing for my two other ex before that. I had never caught them flirting or doing the neck breaker thing. It's only when our relationship was over that they did, in my face. Same thing with C even! So what does this all mean? I don't know.

As per the day thing, well I tried once and he pushed the date till 6pm.

And the reason I am less interested now IS his issues with his past, I think, first and foremost. They show up in little things. Don't want to get in too many details but, I feel he's uncomfortable with his body a bit for one, and the lil jealousy tests thing... I also get the impression that he's uncomfortable with women in general. Like they are out to hurt him. I am a bit concerned that he will try and hurt back if he feels treated.

As per me, well there's my own insecurities. Like, well, if there's competition, I'm outta here. Like I've lost in advance. With this girl in the picture, all I think of is, well she's got the goods, and she can hook up all sorts of fun adventures as well, cus she's in tourism sales. They'll go on free boat cruises [like yesterday], free lavish dinners, sky diving, whatever I would like to invite him to but I can't afford right now in any way shape or form! All I can offer is, hiking. :(

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Damn it, tour, what you can offer is, you!

Sorry. :-)

You know, almost all guys that I know (well, mostly me) are insecure. One way or another. So are many of the girls ...

Yet relationships still happen. Because at some point, you just gotta take a chance.

Now, you do get to choose whether this is the time.

I dunno, right now I'm not in my usual curmudgeonly place, where I would worry over everything, just like you're doing. This is odd, of course, because in a sense, I'm just recovering from being burned.

What I think is that it's partly because I wasn't really in love, so the emotional pain is fairly minimal at this point. (You can tell because I can describe it with words like 'minimal' ... Meh, I poke fun at my word-chooser, sometimes.) But what I'm faced with instead is a sense of all the time I've wasted! I'm 47; what am I saving myself for? So I'm subject to wild crushes, especially if I meet someone who accepts me; that was a major lack in my marriage.

What I was getting at wasn't a hint at bestiality (though now I'm a bit worried for your cat :-P) it was the emphasis on linear ducks or together shit. Those remind me of my kind of perfectionist obsessions. We're all works-in-progress, with ducks and shit that wander at random no matter how hard we herd them. Heh: "SWF ISO SWM duck herder for long-term relationship and shit." It's awful when you crack yourself up ...

So my advice is maybe a bit suspect. Still, at the moment I feel like life is short, enjoy it while you can, with whoever you can. You can't make it end well, after all; might as well make it fun while it lasts.

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yeah, I will still take a chance even if the grimlin in me says 'it's not worth it, why just not give up'. But I will give it a try. I know I don't want to get all hurt and down. This is my main concern right now. How can I protect myself, but still be open enough to see clearly. Vulnerable enough to love but still continue to acknowledge my own worth.

The duck in row, yes. Obsession about it, yeah, a bit. Only now I see it a bit differently then before. My ducks should be aligned in which every way I WANT. heck if it's a freakin zigzag, that should be a-ok! I let C get at me with his comments about my ducks the last time, because I put him on the pedestal I know so well I make guys climb on sometimes, whether they want that or not [honestly, I don't think they do!!!!]. But I may not with Y. I am trying hard to not let another person tell me who I am right now. It's very important to me. Not to lose myself.

But I also remind myself that, at first, I wasn't that impressed with C. And then I don't know what the heck happened. I know it had to do with the fact that his friend told me his past gf was 'hot', and a great biker, and whatever, and then I was all intimidated also when I found out he was some canadian mountain bike champ, blabla.

So I am on my guard, right now, mostly about my own interpretations, and try not to give in to trying to be in the head of this Y guy [what does he want? What attracts him?] Does it really matters?

I have tried to please people and be the way I thought people wanted me to be so much in the past. That's a real waiste of time right there don't you think? Ah! I can't be in someone elses head! I can't be in someone else head. I can't. When I have tried to please others, mainly guys... and it has not yeld much good outcome. Just confusion. It's funny how it seems the more you try and please someone, the more you become sort of a boring commodity. So I'll try to keep on reminding me of what IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII want.

And yeah, I do feel too that life is short and there's no time to be waisted. Fun while it lasts. That is the ticket, if it's done in a healthy way that is. But it's all about how?

It's also another thing I have to remind myself? Do I have fun right now? How can I have fun? With this guy, and by myself as well.

And oh the wild crushes. Yeah been there too. Burn the pedestal at all costs! As it seems it makes love impossible! don't you find?

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Hey, if you want to talk about balance you'll have to wait until I figure out what it is. ;-)

Personally, I was born close to the ground (star is about a head taller), so pedestals make me feel like I'm going to fall off.

Remember, I'm the not-that-experienced guy? I have only the vaguest idea about how love is possible, much less how to prevent it ... That's the flip side of the feeling of having a limited amount of time left: I've wasted a ton(ne) of it already.

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