I understand what you mean. Jealousy strikes me the way someone can flip a switch on and off. When I had fun talking with a girl and my friends began to suggest that I consider a closer relationship, the idea began to digest in my mind. But, the moment I saw this girl hug another guy in front of me, I heated up. This feeling, which is probably the most jealousy I ever felt during any given moment, poured fourth from somewhere in my mind despite any ideas of how I wanted to conduct myself or who I wanted to be.

I generally approached girls with a bit of a carefree attitude, and the conversations I had with this girl began innocently enough. But, at the moments I became jealous, I had to eat humble pie to admit that despite laughing off the encouragement of my friends, and saying that 'the idea began to digest in my mind', the truth was that I was in love. I must have been an open book to everyone around me as even a friend caught a change in my demeanour when I felt jealous. Really, never thinking much of love or jealousy, how could I ever admit to the things I do not think of?

But, here I was, jealous no less! It freaked me out to think that there was a girl who could just 'push my buttons' and raise a pure emotional response from my very mind like that. I did not know what to do or what to think, but our existing relationship and all its possibilities presented itself nonetheless. Now that I recall this, I suppose the same must have been going through the girl's mind to some extent. Love. Wow. The sense that someone else, a relative stranger, commands a part of you by virtue of nothing but conversations, and who happens not to be blood-related or have any other commonly accepted currency for loyalty is a wild experience.

This is why I think you are being too hard on yourself, tour. When you are jealous, you are jealous. Rather than rationalising jealousy, take it as a strong indicator that you must like (love!?) this guy a lot, and make plans to see him again for fun. Oh, and plan to make it up to your friends if you like. How you handle the experience of someone else pushing your buttons is up to you

Ya thanks for the good words. I try. But I saw him again tonight, more by fluke than by design...coming back from the gym. And I saw that girl at the gym too! again! I guess we were all there at the same time. Except, she was at the pool, he was in a class, and I was in the free weights room. Weird. but still irritates the heck out of me!

But Y invited me for an impromptu dinner after he saw me in the parking lot... So we went. For a very late dinner. Which ended at 10pm... I kissed him goodbye. But I guess he wasn't going to kiss me. I just kissed him. I quick nervous peck. Cus he was saying he was going to two places in town to collect payments for jobs that he did...at ten at night??? Mmmm. ONe of the places is, well, in the vicinity of where I live...and where I know this girl lives too! Cheese and rice, now I am worried as heck that I am dating a double dater and that I am going to screw this up, being all weird because I can't handle competition.

All I can think of is that he's going to see her tonight. Which is a possibility I guess. But I can't think of why he would do that. Is he really like that? Wow. I mean, I am seeing him tomorrow too. Now I hope he won;t cancel or something weird.

I dated a guy that turned out to be a real jerk last year... and now I don't want to date another untrustworthy mofo again and I am scared...I think for no reasons, but my mind is going loopy and telling me to end this right now, even though I don't know anything. I am assuming, because I mistrust him now that I've seen him with this other girl, and that she's around again tonight. Arrrrrrrgghh

Tour, what are the chances you can talk about this with him?

I know it'll be hard; you'll worry that you might seem ... possessive. But what I notice is how all of this is going on inside your own head. A head, at least my head, is like a hothouse if I don't air it out once in a while. Things build up in there.

I know you're trying real hard to be self-sufficient, and in many things I think that's better. But there's a limit to how much a person can do. And it's part of relating to someone else, to share the difficulties you have doing that. What do you think?

Mmm, I don't know. I think it's too early in the game to let him know about my insecurity in relationship. I mean, we've only just started dating about 3 weeks ago!

And, there's the rational part of my head that thing that quite frankly the other part of my head is bonkers! If I analyze this rationally, there's a few explanations...

a] maybe, she was at the gym, just cus... or maybe, she was there because she knew he was there and wanted to show her bikini off [in the class where he was, there's a window where you can see the pool... well, you can see the pool from the weight/exercise machines too...this is how I saw her...]. That would mean that she's just as insecure as me and wanted to find ways to 'see' him. Funny. I mean, he's cute, but he's not a rockstar by any mean...

b] Maybe he was truly happy to see me. Well, ok, I think he was. He's the one who waved me down in the parking lot like a mad man... he's the one who invited me to dinner. Maybe, he wanted to see me regardless and quickly invited me to dinner and didn't think it would be too late afterwards to go collect his money and screwed his own plan just to see me. I think that is very possible.

If he was going to her place at ten o'clock, that means it's a booty call. And that sucks for her! I mean, it sucks for me too if this is the case, but if it's truly the case, I will most certainly confront him about that! And probably end it too. I don't want that kind of guy in my life...

c] When we were parting, he made this baby pouting face jokingly... He did that too on our third date. I knew exactly what he wanted...well I think. Basically, I think he just wanted to kiss me. In a way, I find it a bit lame that he doesn't just do it! It's a bit irritating. Anyway, we hugged and I kissed him. Nervous as I was, I asked him if he wanted a kiss [because of the pouting face], but he did say yes... so.

d] I am the one who's seing him tonight. Not her... Ok, maybe she's seeing him friday who knows, but whatever. I am also seeing him Saturday, if all goeas well, and I'll be introduced to his guy friends. I think that's a good thing.

If I see her in the street again, I will ask her if she's dating him as well. If she is, I will confront him for sure. I will say: "well, if you need some time to 'explore' other possiblilities, it's cool... call me back if or when you're done. Maybe I'll still be available".

e] Maybe he was on a date with her, on the boat tour day... because he met her before he met me. And didn't know yet he liked me. Or maybe he was set up by his friend. And that was the only time he was going to be on a date with her. That's another plausible explanation.

I have consider double or triple dating as well... Ah. Seriously. I mean, the same night I met him, there were two other guys who were asking me out. I turned them down because I liked Y, and honestly, I am not much of a double dater. If I am not fully intersted in some guy, I won't go out with them, just to 'see'...Like C told me once... That baffles me about guys. I know my roomate does that too! But, all it mean is heck, if I want to, I can. Not a problem. Maybe I wiil in the future. We'll see.

Oh, I know that rationally, there's probably nothing going on.

And I know that irrationally, who cares what that brain guy thinks? :-)

That's why I suggested the tie-breaker. If he's a decent guy, he might understand exactly where you're coming from, if you tell him about it. Of course, he may not; those are the chances you take with people. And of course, you pick the time.

I never went out with more than one person at a time. I could imagine it (heh, you know guys' imaginations), but I'd probably have to make sure everyone knew about it and was okay with it. Maybe I'm weird. (I say "maybe" only for the sake of my fragile pride.)

Ooh, I'll have to remember that, though: girls are more likely to talk to each other than to talk to me. That explains so much. :-)

You think so too hey? [insert French Canadian accent here]. Probably not much going on... I talked to my roomy just now, and he was like, well T, just be the one who wins him, he said, all smiles. Then he said, if you don't, well it just means he turned out to be an idiot. Remember what I found out about C for you? Don't let guys make you think you're not good enough. Cus that's not the case. There's a lot of men child around here. But don't give up so easily. I know I like a feisty girl and I have given up the other dates after a few weeks because I thought she had a spine. In the end, she turned me down!

I feel like I am talking to my coach in the boxing rink. And he's pep talking me at round three.

Yeah, at this point, I don't know how I will talk to him about it, as I don't really have a real opportunity. But if he asks me again about other guys, I will mention this girl! Or if I see her... "Maybe I'll just start with, Y, I saw Andrea today... are you seing her?"

I have exposed my insecurities before to guys, and it turn out in break ups each times. Everytime though, I think I was too dramatic, and maybe scared them away. It's easier if I can rationalize first, and cool off, and then talk.

It also helps a lot when you feel on a leveled playing field with a potential partner. In the instances where I felt like that, like with my ex. Althought there was excitment and a bit of incomfort and apprehention, it wasn't out of control like with C. With C, my brain was constently shutting me down. Scared of making a false step. Stupidly, I felt like if I would go out with him, I'd be so proud?! But also like I could lose him any second.

With my ex, at first I didn't care that much so I was much more relaxed. With Y, I also feel like he's not 'out of my league' in any ways. He's not so 'kweel' that I get all googoo-gaga. He's not so smart that he doesn't find me funny. I also feel attractive to him, not too self conscious. That's all good.

What I think it is is old, old insecurities that keep on haunting me and that I still have to confront on my own side, because they are now not true of me anymore. I now truly [well, most of the time] feel like I am smart. I am accomplished. I like my body [even if it's not Pamela's ]. I think I am a good catch all in all.

When I left M, I reflected a lot on my past relationships, or the guys that I felt where way too hot, cool, accomplished, etc... I felt like I was restricting myself because I was so afraid to be rejected, so I went for the underdogs. And when I got a guy I truly wanted, I didn't feel comfortable back then, even if they weren't that kwool.

After that, I wanted to be with someone I could be proud of, and who had a spine. And I am still trying to gage how to do that. I don't want to be a prize winner... It's just that I know I went for relationship at all costs. Instead of doing my own thing, fullfilling my own desires and goals.

It just baffles me that I just started to realize very recently, what 'self esteem' means, and what 'self confidence' means, and what 'being who you are' means. I remember trying to understand why some o my girl friends didn't feel so down after a break up, or just moving away for their dream, leaving their bf behind. I was like 'how can she be so not worried that she'll never find that again?' Now I have a little glimpse of how this is possible. But, you know, just barely.