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Well hello old "friend" jealousy


tourdelove

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Wow. As soon my brain has somehow decided that I like a guy, it automatically goes into some sort of negative state of mind including jealousy.

Y and I spent a beautiful evening Saturday. He cooked a great dinner for me, he brought me to his secret 'alone' location by the river... I stayed at his place. I wanted to stay because I hadn't seen him in a week and wanted to get closer to him. We only kissed once before that. Maybe it was a bad decision. Not that anything 'happened' except talking, kissing and hugging. My choice. He never pushed for anything more. Which is great. In the morning, His guy friend and dad arrived at his place to pick him up. He introduced me to them. Then he kissed me good-bye [in front of them, which shows he cares for me] and we parted as I was going boating with some friends, and funny enough, he was going boating too, but with separate friends. To the same lake!

Anyway, I had an extremely good day. And I was happy of how things where developing with him... At the end of the day, we saw his boat, and both parties knew each other so we chatted from boat to boat. There was a girl in his boat, along with his guy friend. At first, I thought she was the other guy's gf, but it soon became clear that she wasn't! She was just along for the ride. No explanation as to how...

Soon after, my mood sank. My mind started to put scenarios together. Of course the one that stank the most stuck! I told my friend "Oh dear! He's double dating!" To top it off, I don't like this girl [for a number of reasons, but mainly because my ex used to 'like' her...]. A few people told me she looks like me [ugh] but I find she looks better than me...see where I'm going with this. argh.

So, there I was, in a bad mood, after such a great evening and then day! I put myself there just because of that! My friend Ame tried to reason with me. She said "T, she's just a friend! It's all good. And, here you are thinking this, meanwhile, you're in this boat, with me, my BF, and Pat! He is good looking, he doesn't know him and he has this huge fancy boat. Who knows! Y probably thinks you're double dating with Pat as well!!!"

Well, unfortunately, my mind didn't buy that, as I know that Y's guy friend knows Pat. So if Y would have wanted to inquire, he would have found out that Pat is in fact married with children! So, he coulnd't possibly think that. He's all safe, meanwhile, I am left with my own jealous thoughts!

What is really bugging me about this is several things!

We've only just started to see each other, and all of a sudden I somehow made the decision that he's the cat's meow? Plus, I jump to conclusions, that he's seeing someone else at the same time. And what if he was? We haven't made any sorts of commitment to each other yet. Way too soon. He hasn't made his decision. And I should not either! I try and reason myself with this, but the jealousy is still there and up front!

My mind automatically goes to: "Well, why should I go any further with this. It's obvious that she is better than I. Prettier, has a job... heck, two jobs! She's english...I know Y would have prefered I was English. She has a better body. She's younger than I! She cooks better. And I know Y loves that, as he asked me several times if I liked to cook..."

I look for all these things and I find them pretty quick. On the other hand, I have a real hard time seeing how I am good as well...or better for him...blabla. Does it even matter?! Comparisons. I can compare til the cows come home.

At the end of the afternoon. I was supposed to go to Ame's place to help her with something on the computer. As I always do. but I was such in a bad mood that she said, well, we can do this another day. We're all tired... I know she would have wanted to spend more time with me. Maybe she was even going to invite me for dinner! But I scrapped it all because I was ruminating with my jealous thoughts and speculations! Such a shame. And I feel she's probably a little upset at me for being like this. Seriously. Way to go girl! Disregarding my friends and my good times to focus on one little thing.

Anyway. On my way home I stopped by a little lake and listen to my ipod real loud with angry music. I calmed down a bit and thought about what had just happened:

First of all, it isn't fun in anyway to feel like this. Disregarding what's good about me like that and feeling all insecure. Ruminating and forgeting the present moment, which was with one of my most awesome friend and her great boyfriend. I both love them! I felt so greatful that she invited me! Then I went ahead and semi-ruined a perfectly good evening with them! Did I even thank Pat for such a great boat ride? I was so in my own head that I don't even remember!!!! I am mad at myself for this to top it off.

Anyway. Still at the lake, I texted Y. More to see what he may be up to then anything else I must confess. I wrote 'looks like the engine didn't fail [they were having trouble with the boat he had mentioned..]. hope you had an awesome day.' It's like I was trying to put myself in an even worse mood then I was by attempting to check on him!

Luckily for me, He answered back instantly! Said he had a good day, asked about my day... Then we back and forth for a bit:

I wrote "thanks for a great dinner and evening last night btw" again, he replied right away 'you are most welcome, hope you liked it!'... I said, yes. despite all my shyness, I really apreciated it!' He replied: "don't worry! it's all good. I am not pushy. I just want you to feel comfortable.'

Well, this made me feel much better somehow. I guess he cares enough to reply with good words. Ah.

But it still doesn't solve my current problem. This plague of jealousy that is resurfacing! Now I need to deal with this. As I know it is not only going to destroy me, but my potential relationship with him, and also, and maybe more importantly, my self esteem, and my relationships with my good friends!

T

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I understand what you mean. Jealousy strikes me the way someone can flip a switch on and off. When I had fun talking with a girl and my friends began to suggest that I consider a closer relationship, the idea began to digest in my mind. But, the moment I saw this girl hug another guy in front of me, I heated up. This feeling, which is probably the most jealousy I ever felt during any given moment, poured fourth from somewhere in my mind despite any ideas of how I wanted to conduct myself or who I wanted to be.

I generally approached girls with a bit of a carefree attitude, and the conversations I had with this girl began innocently enough. But, at the moments I became jealous, I had to eat humble pie to admit that despite laughing off the encouragement of my friends, and saying that 'the idea began to digest in my mind', the truth was that I was in love. I must have been an open book to everyone around me as even a friend caught a change in my demeanour when I felt jealous. Really, never thinking much of love or jealousy, how could I ever admit to the things I do not think of?

But, here I was, jealous no less! It freaked me out to think that there was a girl who could just 'push my buttons' and raise a pure emotional response from my very mind like that. I did not know what to do or what to think, but our existing relationship and all its possibilities presented itself nonetheless. Now that I recall this, I suppose the same must have been going through the girl's mind to some extent. Love. Wow. The sense that someone else, a relative stranger, commands a part of you by virtue of nothing but conversations, and who happens not to be blood-related or have any other commonly accepted currency for loyalty is a wild experience.

This is why I think you are being too hard on yourself, tour. When you are jealous, you are jealous. Rather than rationalising jealousy, take it as a strong indicator that you must like (love!?) this guy a lot, and make plans to see him again for fun. Oh, and plan to make it up to your friends if you like. How you handle the experience of someone else pushing your buttons is up to you :P

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Ya thanks for the good words. I try. But I saw him again tonight, more by fluke than by design...coming back from the gym. And I saw that girl at the gym too! again! I guess we were all there at the same time. Except, she was at the pool, he was in a class, and I was in the free weights room. Weird. but still irritates the heck out of me!

But Y invited me for an impromptu dinner after he saw me in the parking lot... So we went. For a very late dinner. Which ended at 10pm... I kissed him goodbye. But I guess he wasn't going to kiss me. I just kissed him. I quick nervous peck. Cus he was saying he was going to two places in town to collect payments for jobs that he did...at ten at night??? Mmmm. ONe of the places is, well, in the vicinity of where I live...and where I know this girl lives too! Cheese and rice, now I am worried as heck that I am dating a double dater and that I am going to screw this up, being all weird because I can't handle competition.

All I can think of is that he's going to see her tonight. Which is a possibility I guess. But I can't think of why he would do that. Is he really like that? Wow. I mean, I am seeing him tomorrow too. Now I hope he won;t cancel or something weird.

I dated a guy that turned out to be a real jerk last year... and now I don't want to date another untrustworthy mofo again and I am scared...I think for no reasons, but my mind is going loopy and telling me to end this right now, even though I don't know anything. I am assuming, because I mistrust him now that I've seen him with this other girl, and that she's around again tonight. Arrrrrrrgghh

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Tour, what are the chances you can talk about this with him?

I know it'll be hard; you'll worry that you might seem ... possessive. But what I notice is how all of this is going on inside your own head. A head, at least my head, is like a hothouse if I don't air it out once in a while. Things build up in there.

I know you're trying real hard to be self-sufficient, and in many things I think that's better. But there's a limit to how much a person can do. And it's part of relating to someone else, to share the difficulties you have doing that. What do you think?

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Mmm, I don't know. I think it's too early in the game to let him know about my insecurity in relationship. I mean, we've only just started dating about 3 weeks ago!

And, there's the rational part of my head that thing that quite frankly the other part of my head is bonkers! If I analyze this rationally, there's a few explanations...

a] maybe, she was at the gym, just cus... or maybe, she was there because she knew he was there and wanted to show her bikini off [in the class where he was, there's a window where you can see the pool... well, you can see the pool from the weight/exercise machines too...this is how I saw her...]. That would mean that she's just as insecure as me and wanted to find ways to 'see' him. Funny. I mean, he's cute, but he's not a rockstar by any mean...

b] Maybe he was truly happy to see me. Well, ok, I think he was. He's the one who waved me down in the parking lot like a mad man... he's the one who invited me to dinner. Maybe, he wanted to see me regardless and quickly invited me to dinner and didn't think it would be too late afterwards to go collect his money and screwed his own plan just to see me. I think that is very possible.

If he was going to her place at ten o'clock, that means it's a booty call. And that sucks for her! I mean, it sucks for me too if this is the case, but if it's truly the case, I will most certainly confront him about that! And probably end it too. I don't want that kind of guy in my life...

c] When we were parting, he made this baby pouting face jokingly... He did that too on our third date. I knew exactly what he wanted...well I think. Basically, I think he just wanted to kiss me. In a way, I find it a bit lame that he doesn't just do it! It's a bit irritating. Anyway, we hugged and I kissed him. Nervous as I was, I asked him if he wanted a kiss [because of the pouting face], but he did say yes... so.

d] I am the one who's seing him tonight. Not her... Ok, maybe she's seeing him friday who knows, but whatever. I am also seeing him Saturday, if all goeas well, and I'll be introduced to his guy friends. I think that's a good thing.

If I see her in the street again, I will ask her if she's dating him as well. If she is, I will confront him for sure. I will say: "well, if you need some time to 'explore' other possiblilities, it's cool... call me back if or when you're done. Maybe I'll still be available".

e] Maybe he was on a date with her, on the boat tour day... because he met her before he met me. And didn't know yet he liked me. Or maybe he was set up by his friend. And that was the only time he was going to be on a date with her. That's another plausible explanation.

I have consider double or triple dating as well... Ah. Seriously. I mean, the same night I met him, there were two other guys who were asking me out. I turned them down because I liked Y, and honestly, I am not much of a double dater. If I am not fully intersted in some guy, I won't go out with them, just to 'see'...Like C told me once... That baffles me about guys. I know my roomate does that too! But, all it mean is heck, if I want to, I can. Not a problem. Maybe I wiil in the future. We'll see.

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Oh, I know that rationally, there's probably nothing going on.

And I know that irrationally, who cares what that brain guy thinks? :-)

That's why I suggested the tie-breaker. If he's a decent guy, he might understand exactly where you're coming from, if you tell him about it. Of course, he may not; those are the chances you take with people. And of course, you pick the time.

I never went out with more than one person at a time. I could imagine it (heh, you know guys' imaginations), but I'd probably have to make sure everyone knew about it and was okay with it. Maybe I'm weird. (I say "maybe" only for the sake of my fragile pride.)

Ooh, I'll have to remember that, though: girls are more likely to talk to each other than to talk to me. That explains so much. :-)

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You think so too hey? [insert French Canadian accent here]. Probably not much going on... I talked to my roomy just now, and he was like, well T, just be the one who wins him, he said, all smiles. Then he said, if you don't, well it just means he turned out to be an idiot. Remember what I found out about C for you? Don't let guys make you think you're not good enough. Cus that's not the case. There's a lot of men child around here. But don't give up so easily. I know I like a feisty girl and I have given up the other dates after a few weeks because I thought she had a spine. In the end, she turned me down!

I feel like I am talking to my coach in the boxing rink. And he's pep talking me at round three.

Yeah, at this point, I don't know how I will talk to him about it, as I don't really have a real opportunity. But if he asks me again about other guys, I will mention this girl! Or if I see her... "Maybe I'll just start with, Y, I saw Andrea today... are you seing her?"

I have exposed my insecurities before to guys, and it turn out in break ups each times. Everytime though, I think I was too dramatic, and maybe scared them away. It's easier if I can rationalize first, and cool off, and then talk.

It also helps a lot when you feel on a leveled playing field with a potential partner. In the instances where I felt like that, like with my ex. Althought there was excitment and a bit of incomfort and apprehention, it wasn't out of control like with C. With C, my brain was constently shutting me down. Scared of making a false step. Stupidly, I felt like if I would go out with him, I'd be so proud?! But also like I could lose him any second.

With my ex, at first I didn't care that much so I was much more relaxed. With Y, I also feel like he's not 'out of my league' in any ways. He's not so 'kweel' that I get all googoo-gaga. He's not so smart that he doesn't find me funny. I also feel attractive to him, not too self conscious. That's all good.

What I think it is is old, old insecurities that keep on haunting me and that I still have to confront on my own side, because they are now not true of me anymore. I now truly [well, most of the time] feel like I am smart. I am accomplished. I like my body [even if it's not Pamela's :P]. I think I am a good catch all in all.

When I left M, I reflected a lot on my past relationships, or the guys that I felt where way too hot, cool, accomplished, etc... I felt like I was restricting myself because I was so afraid to be rejected, so I went for the underdogs. And when I got a guy I truly wanted, I didn't feel comfortable back then, even if they weren't that kwool.

After that, I wanted to be with someone I could be proud of, and who had a spine. And I am still trying to gage how to do that. I don't want to be a prize winner... It's just that I know I went for relationship at all costs. Instead of doing my own thing, fullfilling my own desires and goals.

It just baffles me that I just started to realize very recently, what 'self esteem' means, and what 'self confidence' means, and what 'being who you are' means. I remember trying to understand why some o my girl friends didn't feel so down after a break up, or just moving away for their dream, leaving their bf behind. I was like 'how can she be so not worried that she'll never find that again?' Now I have a little glimpse of how this is possible. But, you know, just barely.

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