Wow. As soon my brain has somehow decided that I like a guy, it automatically goes into some sort of negative state of mind including jealousy.
Y and I spent a beautiful evening Saturday. He cooked a great dinner for me, he brought me to his secret 'alone' location by the river... I stayed at his place. I wanted to stay because I hadn't seen him in a week and wanted to get closer to him. We only kissed once before that. Maybe it was a bad decision. Not that anything 'happened' except talking, kissing and hugging. My choice. He never pushed for anything more. Which is great. In the morning, His guy friend and dad arrived at his place to pick him up. He introduced me to them. Then he kissed me good-bye [in front of them, which shows he cares for me] and we parted as I was going boating with some friends, and funny enough, he was going boating too, but with separate friends. To the same lake!
Anyway, I had an extremely good day. And I was happy of how things where developing with him... At the end of the day, we saw his boat, and both parties knew each other so we chatted from boat to boat. There was a girl in his boat, along with his guy friend. At first, I thought she was the other guy's gf, but it soon became clear that she wasn't! She was just along for the ride. No explanation as to how...
Soon after, my mood sank. My mind started to put scenarios together. Of course the one that stank the most stuck! I told my friend "Oh dear! He's double dating!" To top it off, I don't like this girl [for a number of reasons, but mainly because my ex used to 'like' her...]. A few people told me she looks like me [ugh] but I find she looks better than me...see where I'm going with this. argh.
So, there I was, in a bad mood, after such a great evening and then day! I put myself there just because of that! My friend Ame tried to reason with me. She said "T, she's just a friend! It's all good. And, here you are thinking this, meanwhile, you're in this boat, with me, my BF, and Pat! He is good looking, he doesn't know him and he has this huge fancy boat. Who knows! Y probably thinks you're double dating with Pat as well!!!"
Well, unfortunately, my mind didn't buy that, as I know that Y's guy friend knows Pat. So if Y would have wanted to inquire, he would have found out that Pat is in fact married with children! So, he coulnd't possibly think that. He's all safe, meanwhile, I am left with my own jealous thoughts!
What is really bugging me about this is several things!
We've only just started to see each other, and all of a sudden I somehow made the decision that he's the cat's meow? Plus, I jump to conclusions, that he's seeing someone else at the same time. And what if he was? We haven't made any sorts of commitment to each other yet. Way too soon. He hasn't made his decision. And I should not either! I try and reason myself with this, but the jealousy is still there and up front!
My mind automatically goes to: "Well, why should I go any further with this. It's obvious that she is better than I. Prettier, has a job... heck, two jobs! She's english...I know Y would have prefered I was English. She has a better body. She's younger than I! She cooks better. And I know Y loves that, as he asked me several times if I liked to cook..."
I look for all these things and I find them pretty quick. On the other hand, I have a real hard time seeing how I am good as well...or better for him...blabla. Does it even matter?! Comparisons. I can compare til the cows come home.
At the end of the afternoon. I was supposed to go to Ame's place to help her with something on the computer. As I always do. but I was such in a bad mood that she said, well, we can do this another day. We're all tired... I know she would have wanted to spend more time with me. Maybe she was even going to invite me for dinner! But I scrapped it all because I was ruminating with my jealous thoughts and speculations! Such a shame. And I feel she's probably a little upset at me for being like this. Seriously. Way to go girl! Disregarding my friends and my good times to focus on one little thing.
Anyway. On my way home I stopped by a little lake and listen to my ipod real loud with angry music. I calmed down a bit and thought about what had just happened:
First of all, it isn't fun in anyway to feel like this. Disregarding what's good about me like that and feeling all insecure. Ruminating and forgeting the present moment, which was with one of my most awesome friend and her great boyfriend. I both love them! I felt so greatful that she invited me! Then I went ahead and semi-ruined a perfectly good evening with them! Did I even thank Pat for such a great boat ride? I was so in my own head that I don't even remember!!!! I am mad at myself for this to top it off.
Anyway. Still at the lake, I texted Y. More to see what he may be up to then anything else I must confess. I wrote 'looks like the engine didn't fail [they were having trouble with the boat he had mentioned..]. hope you had an awesome day.' It's like I was trying to put myself in an even worse mood then I was by attempting to check on him!
Luckily for me, He answered back instantly! Said he had a good day, asked about my day... Then we back and forth for a bit:
I wrote "thanks for a great dinner and evening last night btw" again, he replied right away 'you are most welcome, hope you liked it!'... I said, yes. despite all my shyness, I really apreciated it!' He replied: "don't worry! it's all good. I am not pushy. I just want you to feel comfortable.'
Well, this made me feel much better somehow. I guess he cares enough to reply with good words. Ah.
But it still doesn't solve my current problem. This plague of jealousy that is resurfacing! Now I need to deal with this. As I know it is not only going to destroy me, but my potential relationship with him, and also, and maybe more importantly, my self esteem, and my relationships with my good friends!